Being single shouldn't mean isolation

SINGLE FILE

March 29, 1992|By SUSAN DEITZ | SUSAN DEITZ,Los Angeles Times Syndicate

Q: I wrote you before on the blessings and benefits of being single, but several other thoughts came to mind.

First of all, the main blessing is that you are not tied to anyone. When you awaken in the morning and lie in bed, you are free of all commitments to taking someone out and showing them a good time.

Second, you are freed from the obligation of calling someone up every day and telling them pretty nothings and how much you miss them.

Third, you are free from all obligations such as anniversaries, Valentine's Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas. I know whenever any of those days approached in the past, I would shudder. I had to buy a gift that I wasn't sure the person would appreciate. And if they didn't like it, I thought that perhaps the lack of an appropriate gift would end the relationship.

When I am alone, none of those uncomfortable feelings come to play. I am free to go wherever I please and whenever I please, and no one's feelings are hurt. I don't have to buy anyone gifts that may not please them and live in terror all the time.

In other words, I am now in peace and I love the quiet contentment.

Can you blame me?

A: Blame is not the issue here. Relationships are, since this is a people world, not a mountaintop. And I worry about your equating singleness with isolation, which is not at all a natural combination. I worry about the extreme sense of obligation

relationships have for you rather than any pleasures and joys of ++ sharing.

I worry why you live in terror when you buy a gift, and allow it to dampen the joy of giving. I worry why you see commitment as burden and obligation rather than fulfillment.

When carried to an extreme, freedom can be the same as having nothing left to lose, nothing sacred and dear in life.

The blessing of singleness is its options, but they are not meant to exclude people -- or love.

You can eat cookies in bed now without someone nagging about the crumbs, true, but what worries me is that in time you'll miss having someone around who cares enough to care about them. And you.

Q: Your columns about nice guys hit home because I'm one of them. Accepting people for who they are without trying to change them is the key to any relationship.

I looked for a nice gal for five years, went through many personal ads, friends and two dating services to find her. I've heard that when you meet the right person you'll know, and it's true.

A local dating service really did its job.

Teresa and I left the restaurant where we met arm in arm, as if we'd known each other for years. It was like magic.

Everyone should use every resource available to them to find their special someone. No one ever gave me any flak for belonging to a dating service. Most people were just plain curious about the experience.

You have to circulate, whatever the means, and you can't give up on your dream. It took me five years to find my dream girl, but the spark that was struck the night we met ignited a fire that won't go out.

A: With all your experience in the different meeting options, it figures that when someone special came on the scene you would know it. You had five years' worth of research. It paid off in a strong basis of comparison. When the click came, all the disappointments faded and only magic was in your heart. Continue to be careful with each other and remember the dark days when the crunches come -- and they will. Remember what it took to find this love.

Questions for Susan Deitz should be addressed to Susan Deitz, Features Department, The Sun, Baltimore 21278. All correspondence is confidential. Ms. Deitz welcomes letters from readers and will answer all those accompanied by a self-addressed stamped envelope.

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