NEW ORLEANS. — New Orleans -- I talked to a woman in Santa Fe who was kidnapped by aliens who performed a long medical procedure on her. She now wakes quite often in the middle of the night and sees ''many beings standing in her bedroom.'' She was most earnest about her experience, looking at me with sincere though flat eyes that exuded objectivity and resignation. She reminded me most forcefully of Anita Hill testifying solemnly about her defilement by sexual innuendo.
Judging by the current hysteria about sex raging through the country today, I think that all of us have been kidnapped by aliens who have taken the sex out of us and are now standing in all our bedrooms babbling about it through the mouths of TV, radio and other unidentified sources.
Real sex is but a memory these days when discoursing about and mostly against sex has become the national addiction. The net result is a society that wants to castrate its leaders, substitute genetic engineering for natural attraction, take sex out of the body and put it on television or in the telephone.
Who are these aliens and what do they want? Well, some of them are religious people like Revs. Swaggart and Bakker who think sex is filthy and the work of the Devil who leads them to $20 hookers and seedy motels. Some of them are gossip-hungry trash-mongers who see the fast buck to be made from the low mental level of Americans reduced to idiocy by television. Some of them are pro-censorship feminists who think that sexual pleasure should be approved by a correctness board armed with razor blades.
But most of them are just plain, frustrated right-wing ideologues who would like the poor to stop having sex and babies.
And the rest are techno-whizzes who cash in on the paranoia produced by the others to sell us fake sex on the phone and the TV at a rate directly proportional to the decrease in real sex.
As the nation's libido shrinks, so does our sanity at a time when it's most needed, with the world going crazy all around us.
''What do these aliens want?'' I asked the woman in Santa Fe. ''To use our genetic material to strengthen their weakened strain.''
That makes sense. The weak and the sexless prey on the timid and the hopeful.
Andrei Codrescu edits ''Exquisite Corpse,'' a poetry magazine.