Old, slower Elvis is suited to bloated postal service

ROGER SIMON

February 26, 1992|By ROGER SIMON

Simon Says:

I'm voting to put the old Elvis on the stamp, not the young one. Why should Elvis be the only thing about the Postal Service that is not bloated and slow moving?

* I really hope the State Police will deputize ordinary citizens to make sure all motorcyclists in Maryland wear their helmets after Oct. 1. I don't want a gun. MACE will be fine.

* When Jesse Jackson ran for president, everybody made a big deal out of the fact that he had never held elective office. Pat Buchanan is running for president, and you hardly ever hear that mentioned. Could there be a double standard at work here? Naw, impossible.

*

People who tickle other people often do so out of cruelty.

* I really admire people who know how to fold dinner napkins in fancy ways.

* Most intriguing reply to a question in the presidential campaign far:

Bob Kerrey, who received the Medal of Honor in Vietnam, was asked by a voter in Concord N.H. why he did not wear his medal.

Mr. Kerrey replied: "When I went into the U.S. Navy I was told I had a three-year hitch and when I got out I could do any damn thing I wanted, including not wear the insignia."

I would bet that there is an interesting story lurking behind that answer.

*

Bumper Sticker of the Month: "I Have PMS and a Handgun."

* After all the lawsuits, what's the big deal over the intermittent windshield wiper? Everybody just sets it to high or low anyway.

*

Never marry a man who spends more than $100 on his shoes.

* An analysis of New Hampshire campaign ads by the Boston Globe reveals that great minds truly do think alike:

Bob Kerrey's commercial ends with "Fight Back, America."

Jerry Brown's campaign ad asks people to "Take Back America."

L And Bill Clinton says: "This is your country. Take it back."

7+ OK, but one question: Who's got it now?

Rip Torn is the most underrated actor of our time.

* How come some razor blades out of the same package last a week and some last for months and months? I've got one I've been using since New Year's and I think I might will it to the Smithsonian.

*

When is the last time you saw anyone use a pitch pipe?

* Has anyone considered just taking all those millions of dollars we are spending to prevent beach erosion in Ocean City, sticking them in sacks and burying them offshore as a breakwater? It couldn't be any more expensive than what we are doing now.

* Why do people say "Pardon my French" when they swear? I thought most swear words were Anglo-Saxon.

* If Congress met only every other year, I'll bet it would do a lot to stop the depletion of the ozone layer.

* I don't know about you, but I think butchers should go back to using that pinkish wrapping paper.

* A million-dollar invention that I wish I'd thought of: A sewing kit BTC for travelers with six needles, each pre-threaded with a different color thread.

* With the exception of the president, there is no need for any candidate to get Secret Service protection during the primaries unless there is a creditable threat against his life. It costs the taxpayers too much money, and these men are in no greater danger than anyone else who walks the streets of America.

* Those Reebok commercials during the Winter Olympics about Dan and Dave" were so relentless that I hope some nobody from Iceland wearing $2 reindeer sneakers beats them both this summer.

* And speaking of the Summer Olympics, I am still having trouble with the concept of "solo" synchronized swimming.

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