WHAT A YEAR to be a registered Democrat!
I get to vote in a fairy-tale election. Initially, it looked exactly like a Snow White remake -- seven dwarfs running for Prince Charming.
Then Bashful decided to stay in New York. Grumpy got discouraged and carried himself home to Ol' Virginny. The five survivors still whistle while they work, though.
Happy has provided the latest excitement by winning the Gary Hart Memorial Bimbo Award.
Can you trust a woman who spells Jennifer with a G? Is the nation ready for a president who admits his wife makes more money than he?
For slapstick, there's Dopey and his 800 number. He won't take PAC contributions. He can't find a PAC loopy enough to support him. He becomes the Amway man of the airwaves whenever there's a debate. Just as soon as he gets the space aliens out of Elvis Presley's bedroom, he'll be the perfect barefoot, impoverished candidate in a $600 suit.
Doc hails from Iowa. He has a remedy for everything. If you lay bricks, he'll grab a trowel and put your wall 30 degrees out of plumb.
If you operate a computer, he'll commandeer the keyboard and lock up the system for 10 days.
Let us devoutly pray he doesn't campaign in an operating theater.
Sleepy is serious. Deadly serious. That's why he's Sleepy. Once people learn how to pronounce his name, they fall prey to Morpheus immediately.
Finally, there's Sneezy. A sneeze is a reflex. Ask Sneezy anything and he says he was in the Vietnam War, is a successful businessman who can document his achievements by the fines his restaurants have paid for violating child-labor laws and is the baby boomer we need to save the country. If that isn't a reflex, what is it?
Yeah, it's good to be a Democrat. If I were a Republican, my choices wouldn't be so exciting.
In Maryland, I'd have to decide between the second coming of Herbert Hoover and CNN's semi-feral leprechaun. Only in selected states can Republicans vote for the Prince of Percale, the white knight of the Schutzstaffel.
Winston Churchill once said democracy is the worst possible system of government -- except for all the others that have ever been tried.
If he were around for this election, he could add that democracy certainly isn't boring.
H.H. Morris writes from Aberdeen.