WELCOME, ELECTION fans, to 'Meet the Adulterer,' the Emmy-Award-winning news show that lets presidential candidates tell their own revolting stories of squalid and sordid conduct with models, actresses, bimbos and -- "
"Hold it right there, fella. I categorically deny ever having had a relationship with a bimbo. What's more, even if I had, under no circumstances would I ever refer to any woman by a viciously sexist word like 'bimbo.' I am here to tell America candidly and entertainingly about adultery and me, not to be smeared as a sexist."
"Just a minute, Governor -- "
"What's more, I am not a governor. Don't you even bother to find out who your guests are?"
"We do indeed, sir, and we know you are a presidential candidate with a squalid, sordid, entertaining story of adultery in your background. Having to confess to a nationwide television audience must make you feel deeply ashamed."
"Not deeply, no. If she'd been one of those women who got rich off tax breaks handed out by Reagan-Bush trickle-down economics, you can bet I'd be deeply ashamed. But she wasn't. What's more, she was a woman who had never accepted a single welfare check either."
"You are saying -- "
"She was middle-class."
"So the shame you feel is not deep shame?"
"Moderate shame is the way to describe it. Middle-of-the-road shame."
"You are aware, I suppose, of the allegations made by certain newspapers available at the supermarket?"
"You mean the vile accusation that I committed this adultery despite having heard the woman speak passionately at a hotel bar against a national health-care program? That is a despicable concoction which I categorically -- "
"Don't change the subject, Mr. Candidate. You know the allegations I'm talking about: The grocery papers say your adultery story is a complete fabrication, that in fact you have never in your life engaged in hanky-panky -- "
"That is a damnable lie which I categorically -- "
" -- that with all the other candidates getting great TV exposure on shows like Emmy-Award-winning 'Meet the Adulterer,' you were afraid Americans wouldn't notice you were even running -- "
"A lie which I categorically -- "
" -- or worse, that they'd think you were a dull old homebody."
"I categorically deny being a dull old homebody."
"In that case, sir, you will want to give our viewers the kind of details the other candidates have provided so we can judge their credibility."
"No names. I will not reveal any names."
"Because of some quaint, old-fashioned philosophy about gentlemen not telling?"
"Now listen here, fella: I told you once I'm here to talk adultery. Why do you try to smear me by alleging I'm a gentleman?"
"You deny you're a gentleman?"
"Sordid detail is my game; let's get to it."
"All right, first the question we ask every candidate: Did you or did you not at any time before, during or after the illicit congress tell your adulterous partner you loved her?"
"Never. At some time during the proceedings, however, I definitely remember saying, 'Ma'am, I heard you tell those folks at the hotel bar that the present white-collar unemployment rate is a disgrace to this country, and I loved every word of it.'"
"Answer the question: Was that remark made before, during or after the illicit congress?"
"During. It must have been during. I'd never make a remark that personal to a woman before, and afterward the only possible thing to say is, 'I still respect you.' "
"Do you expect America to believe you didn't take advantage of BTC that moment to tell your feminine friend your program for world peace?"
"Absolutely not. All I did was offer her a stick of chewing gum, then peeled one for myself, and we both chewed hopefully."
"Hopefully? What were you hoping?"
"I was hoping if the grocery press got this story they wouldn't get it wrong and say we'd had a smoke because if there's one thing the American voter won't stand for, it's a smoker."