Dullness, thy name is Super Bowl

Kevin Cowherd

January 17, 1992|By Kevin Cowherd

ONCE AGAIN the republic is gearing up for the Super Bowl, that hugely overblown sports event which this year features the politically incorrect Redskins against the oddly informal Bills.

The sharpies in Las Vegas have installed the Redskins as early six-point favorites, mainly because it is inconceivable that a team from Buffalo would actually win a championship in anything except the AC Delco Games, wherein squads of strapping young men in heavy parkas vie to be the first to jump-start a dead car battery in a frozen parking lot.

(At this year's Delco Games, the upstate New York contingent was pitted against a team from Green Bay, Wisc., narrowly losing in the finals when Green Bay supporters placed a steaming plate of Buffalo wings and bleu cheese dressing next to an old Pontiac.

(The sight of their favorite food caused the ravenous Buffalo players to throw down their jumper cables and mittens and dig in, costing them precious seconds in the all-important "Recognizing Positive/Negative Terminals" category.)

By and large, Super Bowls tend to be dull, low-scoring affairs. This year's game could be even duller than usual as there exists the distinct possibility that neither team will show up, due to an understandable dread of visiting Minneapolis in the dead of winter.

If the teams do agree to fly to Minnesota, a convoy of snow plows will escort them from their respective hotels to the Metrodome on game day, where the thermometer will register a cozy 72 degrees, approximately 90 degrees warmer than the outside temperature.

Halftime entertainment, always spectacular, is rumored to have a "Global Village" theme this year. The bulk of it will be provided by the tiny principality of Monaco, whose entire population is scheduled to march onto the field for a dazzling flashcard display, one half of the marchers spelling out the words "Tax Free Status!" and the other "We Love It!"

This will be followed by a rollicking duet from rap superstar Hammer and country superstar Garth Brooks ("Yo! Your Cheatin' Heart") while dozens of Buddhist monks engage in self-immolation ceremonies at the 50-yard line.

Once firetrucks have raced on the field and extinguished the blazes, 10,000 doves will be released into the skies, symbolic of the 10,000 sovereign states that will comprise the old Soviet Union following the installation of the free market system, massive bread riots, ethnic in-fighting, regional nuclear blackmail, religious bickering, several coups d'etat and the inevitable Marxist backlash.

Veteran halftime watchers insist the extravaganza will dwarf anything ever staged by "Up With People," the sickeningly clear-eyed troupe of robotic young singers and dancers, as well as the famous Disney production "Mickey, Donald and Friends Re-live the History of the World" that graced Super Bowl XIV.

CBS will carry all the action, with kick-off set for a little after 6 p.m. and pre-game festivities beginning a tasteful 12 hours earlier. Here's the schedule:

6:30 a.m. -- "Hey, Wake Up! It's Super Bowl Sunday!" Inane commentary.

7:00 -- Super Jazzercise! Walter Payton and Joni Melendez.

8:00 -- Super Bowl Breakfast with Chef Tell! Crack that first Budweiser and help yourself to a heaping bowl of jambalaya.

9:00 -- Monsignor Timothy Molloy (the Pigskin Padre) conducts Super Bowl mass!

10:00 -- "Go Tell It On the Mountain!" NFL fight songs are sung by the Ebenezer Baptist Church choir of Del Rio, Texas.

11:00 -- "Boris Yeltsin Looks At the Big Game!"

Noon -- "Lunch with the Seattle Seahawks!" The 'Hawks descend en masse on a Sizzlers steak house.

12:30 p.m. -- "Great Moments in Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader History!"

1:30 -- "Nelson Mandela and Helmut Kohl Look at the Big Game!"

2:30 -- "Look, It's the Goodyear Blimp!" Capt Vern Stevens narrowly avoids a 400-foot radio transmission tower.

3:30 -- "Still Killing Time!" Six shabbily dressed sportswriters sit around a coffee table and discuss the Big Game.

4:30 -- "Not Quite Kick-Off!" Six overweight NFL head coaches sit around a coffee table and analyze the Big Game.

5:30 -- "Almost Kick-Off!" Pat Summerall and John Madden glance impatiently at their watches.

6:15 -- "Kick-Off!" One billion Chinese retire for the evening.

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