10 Things Not To Do In The Dead Of Winter

January 05, 1992|By KEVIN COWHERD | KEVIN COWHERD,THE EVENING SUN'S HUMOR COLUMNIST

1. Visit the Baltimore Zoo and taunt warm-weather species such as zebras and giraffes with cries of: "C'mon out, you big baby!"

2. ,garl,9.6,11Take up smoking and explain to inquisitive friend and co-workers: "My doctor said I wasn't getting enough tar."

3. Attend seminars at the Enoch Pratt Library. Upcoming topic include: people who scribble in margins; Dewey Decimal System now credited to Donald Duck's nephew.

4. ,11Sneak into the new stadium and say to the swarthy, 270-pound riveter with the full beard: "Cal, could you sign this? It's for my kid; he's a big fan of yours."

5. Visit the studios at WMAR-TV ("Friends You Can Turn To") an ask Stan Stovall for help with a couple of car payments. Also see if Sally Thorner can baby-sit this weekend.

6. Menace the mimes at the Inner Harbor. Raise your hand in threatening manner and shout "Get lost!" when a person in powdered face and red suspenders sidles up and performs "Man Walking Against a Stiff Breeze" or "Woman Trapped in a Glass House."

7. Loiter outside the Super Fresh in Parkville and loudly demand of each departing shopper: "Hey, what'aya got in the bag?"

8. See the world's largest collection of rusted lug nuts at the Mr. Tire Museum on Eastern Avenue. Daily demonstrations of Earl's new air gun 2 p.m. to 4 p.m.

9. Visit the IKEA store and inquire in a mocking Swedish accent whether "Lars" can help you select a solid pine desk.

10. At an area Sno-ball, impatiently glance at your watch and drum your fingers on the counter while muttering: "What do you have to do to get some service around here?"

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