Glimpses Of An Eventful Year To Come

December 29, 1991|By Phil Greenfield

1991 was a momentous year, all right, but I'll leave the eulogizing to others. I'm the kind of fellow who likes to look ahead, so let's break out the crystal ball and gaze into the future. I see great days ahead in 1992. . .

Jan. 17: As a result of the budget crunch, wages for state workers drop so low that Transportation Secretary James Lighthizer stops hiring his cronies, figuring it'll be less embarrassing to pay crummy salaries to strangers.

Feb. 17: The Maryland General Assembly once again votes to keep its "College Scholarship" program so that even in these budget-crunching times, delegates and senators can use tax dollars to bribe and reward their constituents. The noted educational philanthropist, ClaytonMitchell, is quoted as saying, "A slush fund is a terrible thing to waste."

Feb. 19: John Leopold officially throws his hat in the ring. And the ring says, "Again?"

March 1: A commemorative ceremony is held in honor of the 5,000th motorist who winds up on Chinquapin Round Road because he followed the sign for Bay Ridge thinking it said Bay Bridge.

March 24: When Chairman Dave Boschert's County Councilcolleagues ask if they can oust him because he drives them crazy, helooks at his principal detractor and

says: "Yes Virginia, there is a sanity clause." (With apologies to Chico Marx.)

April 10: Bobby Neall becomes so entranced by his prospects for higher office that he begins phoning the Governor's Mansion during April showers to remind the staff to close the windows.

May 14: In a desire to pare down excessive bureaucratic costs, the Board of Education convenes a committee of its pupil personnel workers, human relations experts, and resource specialists to investigate the problem. No conclusions are reached, but the affective domain is positively impacted upon.

May 22: Budget woes become so extreme that the county is down to its last publicly funded horticulturist. "Now that's what I call pruning the budget," says Bobby Neall.

June 15: With Glen and Storm already in the fold, the Orioles hire Angela Davis as their in-house political theorist, Tom Davis as their sportscaster, and unveil a portrait of Jefferson Davis in the center field bleachers as Sammy Davis Jr.'s widow sings the national anthem. The Birds are 12-47, but they lead the league in Davises.

June 30: Mikhail Gorbachev emigrates to America and announces a write-in campaign for a seat in Congress representingMaryland's new 1st District.

July 28: The Democrats adopt a partyplatform calling for national health insurance, social security benefits for household pets, a national employment program, year-round compensation for 16-year-olds who can't find summer jobs AND a balancedbudget.

Aug. 7: Gorbachev quits in disgust, saying he's never seen a jurisdiction as fragmented and incoherently drawn as the 1st District.

Nov. 3: Despite the Great Depression of '92, George Bush beats Bob Kerrey for the presidency, garnering 58 percent of the vote. Democrats blame bad weather, Willy Horton and the inability to get their message across due to a lack of money. Bush, by the way, demands arecount.

Dec. 23: President Bush appoints Anne Arundel County Executive Robert Neall as his new director of the Office of Management and the Budget.

Jan. 1, 1993: Barbara Bush and First Pooch Millie are both furloughed.

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