Face painting with Paulina

We had just seen Estee Lauder's beauty princess, Paulina Porizkova, shamelessly hawking her new makeup video on the "Arsenio Hall Show," when the video arrived on our desk. "A Private Lesson," with makeup artist Mark Hayles, features demonstrations on Paulina, her mother, Anna, and her teen-age cousin, Veronica Raich.

Believe us when we say that we watched this videotape with a certain amount of twisted anticipation. Oh yeah, we were thinking up the wisecracks and barbs even as we were sliding the tape into the VCR. Won't this be just a delight watching the nearly flawless complexion of Paulina being transformed into a completely flawless one? We just loved being told, "You, too, can do this in the comfort of your own home."

Our prepared sarcasm was not wasted. Why, we wondered, can no one in this video speak without checking the cue cards?

First in the makeup artist's chair is the lovely Paulina. Estee Lauder still has our sincere attention as we try to follow along, hoping for some fabulous info-bits. We waited. Foundation application. Product shot. Powder goes on. Product shot. Eye shadow discussion.

"This is when we would normally shape the brows," says Mark, staring earnestly into the camera in hopes of bonding with the home audience. The man has perfect hair. We don't trust him. "But since Paulina has purrrfect brows," gushes Mark, as we furrow our imperfect ones, "we'll just move on."

We are left with bad brows and an increasingly negative attitude.

For the curious and the fascinated, the video sells for about $20 at Estee Lauder counters.