Pieces of column too short to use . . .
Let the chips fall where they may . . . To raise funds, Our Lady of Mount Carmel High School is sponsoring several activities the weekend of Dec. 6, most of them conventional: a reunion dance, an ice cream sundae night, a pancake breakfast, a Christmas craft show. The highlight, however, is decidedly unconventional: Betsy Bingo. As far as I can ascertain, Betsy Bingo is an exotic game of chance played in the great outdoors. What happens is, large squares are arranged on a soccer field to form a giant outdoor Bingo card. Each participant buys a $5 chance on a square, betting that, once let loose, Betsy The Cow will chose that particular square as a, shall we say, depository for her, shall we say, Bingo! The cow enters the playing field at 3:30 p.m. Sunday, Dec. 8. The school's address is 1704 Eastern Ave. I'm there!
Jousting, schmousting, who needs it? . . . The duckpin-bowling crowd wants its sport to replace jousting as the official state sport, and I'm all for it. Duckpin bowling is much safer than jousting (no painful poking accidents) and it gives us all yet another reason to wear fashionable two-tone shoes. Plus, a recent weekday afternoon of duckpin bowling at Fair Lanes cost me only 89 cents a game. I can't even begin to guess what it must cost to joust. First, you need a horse. Then you need a lance, then you need a lance carrying-case from L.L. Bean. Pricey. Pricey. Who needs it? Besides, any sport that has as its champion a woman named Toots has my vote.
Recommendations . . . Read the dramatic sales pitch for the "John Garfield shirt" in the J. Peterman catalog. Order the chicken tabrizi at Orchard Market & Gourmet Deli. Get the roasted red peppers with any sandwich at Troia's. Fast for a day and order a Hungry Man at Attman's. Try the bagel with spring onion and garlic at Greg's. Listen for an amazing arrangement of "Old McDonald" on a Cincinnati Pops recording called "Down On The Farm," Erich Kunzel conducting. Check out a work-in-progress: Antonio Rodriguez's city-scene mural on York Road near Benninghaus.
Things we'd like to know . . . If it's OK to refer to Helen Delich Bentley as "the quirky congressperson." . . . If it's true that State Police keep a "Baby On Board" sign in the governor's limo . . . If it's true that Johnny Walker, whose voice is being heard in radio commercials again, secretly records those spots in an underground bunker somewhere in West Virginia (Or is he actually roaming Baltimore disguised as Gary Hurley?) . . . If, now that the National Football League is considering Baltimore for an expansion franchise, we can tell NFL owners we were only kidding about that "at Camden Yards" stuff . . . How, should Baltimore get a football franchise, the state will pay for a new stadium while carrying a half-billion in budget deficits . . . Why someone didn't tell me about the deals on Bloopers underwear at Sunny's Surplus!
Things I'm assuming . . . That Cecil Fielder won't be buying a car from Koons this year . . . That, even though they're selling at only 28 cents a pound, those turkeys on sale at Leedmark are dead . . . That, as wild and animalistic as it was, the new Michael Jackson video just didn't do a thing for Roger Hayden . . . That the deadbeats caught in Baltimore County's child-support sting
get to keep those free Orioles tickets . . . That we haven't seen the last of Sam Culotta.
Lee Iacocca should be so smart . . . I couldn't believe my eyes. There, moving south on Liberty Heights Avenue, was a Dodge that looked like a Volvo. Go figure. This was no special Dodge. It was a very boring, very square Dodge -- maybe an Aries -- the kind of car the spinster Fogarty used to drive. It was slate gray. But its owner had dressed this baby with a spoiler across the trunk and Volvo hubcaps. He had removed anything that said "Dodge" from the car. He had me fooled, too. For about five blocks, I took that American for a Swede.
Things we'd like to see . . . A light-rail car with big Cadillac fins . . A Pigtown festival . . . "Police Blotter: The Movie" . . . The original "All Quiet On The Western Front" at the Orpheum Cinema.