Goodbye, Duke

November 20, 1991|By Art Buchwald

THE DEFEAT of David Duke in the Louisiana gubernatorial race has saddened people all over the country, mostly members of the Ku Klux Klan. It was the Klan's greatest opportunity, and the feeling among the political Kleagles is that somehow Duke blew it.

The KKK wizards met after the results were in to analyze what went wrong, and to make sure that the next KKK candidate did not make the same mistakes.

The Grand Wizard said, "We had Louisiana in our shrouds. How did we fail?"

A Grand Klaptrap responded, "We didn't burn enough crosses. I told Duke that if you want to scare the hell out of the black voters, you have to burn crosses. Well, three weeks before election day we sold all our wood and bought TV commercials. We should have stayed with fire."

A Klavernkeeper joined in, "I'm not sure if it was the crosses. Our polls show that for every vote we got by burning a cross in the countryside, we lost one to some flaming liberal freak in the city. If I had to do it all over again, I would have had Duke driven around the small towns wearing a black gown and black hood."

"What for?" the chief Klongmonger asked.

"So that people would have known he had a strong economic policy for the state."

"There is more to running for governor than looking good. We should have started our name-calling earlier. Spitting on people's race and religion is what we do best, and Duke supporters look to us for that."

"Are you saying that we should have made negative remarks about people of the African American persuasion?"

"Of course. What other reason does the KKK have for its existence?"

"And you wanted our man to vilify those of the Hebrew persuasion?"

"You either go for the hate vote or you stay at home and roast marshmallows over your crosses in your own back yard."

"If you want my opinion, I don't think that Duke should have run as a Republican. It hurt him with his supporters who can't stomach what the Republicans stand for."

The Grand Klaxon asked, "What do we do with the money left over?"

"We run Duke for the Grand Spittoon of the Mardi Gras parade."

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