Why pay more for us? Because we're worth it

ROGER SIMON

November 11, 1991|By ROGER SIMON

Letters, calls and the roar of the crowd:

Meyer Baron, Baltimore: Why is the newsstand price of The Sun twice that of the Post?

COMMENT: Because we're four times as good, and we're passing the savings along to you!

* Augusta M. Taylor, Baltimore: I found it necessary to consult my dictionary on your use of the word "oleaginous."

COMMENT: Sorry, but every now and then I like to prove that my subscription to the Reader's Digest is really worth it. I also reasoned that anyone who remembered oleomargarine would be able to figure out oleaginous.

So maybe it's best to look upon each of my columns as a game. A difficult, nerve-wracking, largely pointless game.

L And this week watch for: exiguous, noisome and eleemosynary.

* N. M. Walker, Denton: As a young Christian woman, I don't believe abortion would be an option for me, but I believe other women should have the right to choose that option.

I don't know how the protesters can judge these women without knowing the facts. God does not even want us to judge others anyway!

I also wonder where all these pro-lifers will be if abortion is made illegal? Will they bury women who die from getting abortions in back alleys? Will they even care?

COMMENT: I don't know. Some probably would. Others seem to care about women only as a concept.

* Gene Edwards, Eldersburg: In your column you wonder why Justice Thomas wanted to be sworn in right away instead of waiting. This was your fourth -- but who's counting? -- sour grapes column on the subject of Judge Thomas.

I wonder if it was because he wanted to avoid any additional scurrilous charges, delays and belly-aching by Democrats and their faithful liberal minions like you. I also wonder what your reaction would have been had President Bush nominated a better-qualified but white conservative to the Supreme Court.

COMMENT: I would have been delighted if Bush had nominated a better-qualified conservative to the court regardless of his or her race. The fact remains that there are plenty of blacks, whites, Hispanics, Asians and others out there who are better qualified than Clarence Thomas.

And, by the way, it was my sixth sour grapes column on Judge Thomas. But I figure that anyone who poses for the cover of People magazine must want publicity.

* Bruce Seidel, College Park: I am a University of Maryland student living off campus. I purchase The Sun about three to four times a week and Sunday. I've considered getting a subscription. But I'm not thrilled at the prospect of someone in my apartment building reading a free newspaper each morning, while I'm wandering the lobby looking for my Sun.

Sometimes I go without clean laundry for weeks or steal parking meter money from my roommate just so I can see what Simon has to say or find what the latest budget cut means to my school or check what Schmuck and Littwin think of the Orioles' latest move.

But 50 cents a day is just too steep. I can eat a pretty good lunch at Taco Bell for that kind of money.

My roommates used to tease me for buying The Sun, rather than the highly respected Washington Post. I praised The Sun's fine columnists and defended its small-town style. Not anymore. I can't afford to.

I'm sure the Post has good columnists, too.

COMMENT: You are? Then you must not have heard the news: The Post used to have good columnists, but in a cost-cutting move a few weeks ago they were all traded in for a Model 600 Kwik Kolumn Writer computer made by Radio Shack.

Now, all the Post columns are machine-produced. The Sun, on the other hand, still hand writes each and every column and brings them to you fresh and piping hot each morning.

Sure, the newsstand price of The Sun is 50 cents, but that is still cheaper, pound for pound, than emeralds.

What you really need is a subscription. It's a lot cheaper than the newsstand price and the paper is delivered to you, as if by magic, every day. But how do you keep people from stealing the paper from your lobby? I called The Sun circulation department, and they said you should call them and they will try to work out some way to ensure you get your paper.

But here is what I did a few years ago when I had the same problem:

I got up real early one morning and waited for the paper to arrive and then I taped a string to the underside of it and ran the string around the corner and tied it to a pop bottle. Then I dozed off in a nearby chair.

A few hours later, somebody grabbed my paper, pulled over the pop bottle and awakened me.

Then I ran around the corner and watched the look of utter amazement on this person's face as I cut off his head with a chain saw!

OK, OK, so I didn't do that. Instead, I sneered: "Are you sure that's your paper?"

And he said: "Yeah, I'm sure, you pencil-necked geek."

And I said: "Well, in that case, read it in good health and I'm sorry I bothered you."

So maybe you ought to call our circulation department.

And tell them the geek sent you.

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