ONE MAN'S critique of the new fall TV shows:
"The Torkelsons" (NBC) -- Haven't seen it yet. But the guy behind the counter at the Carpet Barn said it was "uneven." Unless he said he was "leavin.' " To tell you the truth, it was kind of noisy in there with the carpet trimmer whining and the phones ringing and all.
"Totally Hidden Video" (Fox) -- Haven't caught this one yet either. But puh-leez! Haven't we seen enough of these stupid shows where they secretly videotape some poor sap biting the head off a chicken? I mean, who doesn't bite the head off a chicken every now and then?
"The Commish" (ABC) -- Almost caught this one, but then a storm rolled in and knocked out the cable, and that was that. Got the radio out and listened to a terrific program on NPR, the name of which escapes me at the moment.
"Nurses" (NBC) -- Haven't seen it yet, but let me guess. Good-looking, chesty babes in tight uniforms trade one-liners while treating patients with TLC. The hospital is run by a well-meaning but over-matched egghead. The doctors are all dolts who paid someone off to get through med school. Hell, I could write the next three scripts right now.
"P.S.I. LUV U" (CBS) -- I found this show to be a little too cutesy, a little too pretentious and even a little . . . oh, heck. Might as well tell the truth. I fell asleep as they were rolling the opening credits. Woke up the next morning to some guy ticking off soybean prices on "U.S. Farm Report." Talk about disorienting.
"Adventures of Mark and Brian" (NBC) -- Haven't seen it yet. Here's the problem: it's on opposite "60 Minutes." And who wants to miss Mike Wallace and his basset hound face grilling some poor squirming CEO whose company manufactures defective helicopter parts for the Army? Besides, this Mark and Brian show sounds . . . wacky. And I'm not into wacky. Or zany. Wacky and zany put me in mind of, oh, Jerry Lewis in "The Nutty Professor."
"Eerie, Indiana" (NBC) -- Sorry, but this show sounds too damn goofy to watch.
"Roc" (Fox) -- Heard some bad things about this show from the deli guy at the supermarket, who quickly added that his doctor is weaning him off Prozac. So take that for what it's worth. The
man's hands were shaking badly, plus he gave me a half-pound of bologna when I specifically asked for boiled ham. I'll try to catch the show soon to give viewers what they deserve: a non-medicated opinion.
"Herman's Head" (Fox) -- Haven't seen it yet. The promotional literature said that . . . you know, I hope I wasn't out of line talking about the deli guy and Prozac. It's just that, well, the drug is controversial. And it does have side effects -- one of which is apparently an inability to distinguish between two common types of lunch meats. Hey, if you can't even tell the difference between bologna and ham, I'm not sure your opinions of Fox's new fall lineup should carry much weight.
"I'll Fly Away" (NBC) -- I see where some critics hail this as the best new drama of the season. Fine with me (although I'm assuming these reviewers aren't on Prozac.) Been meaning to catch this program, but I play basketball on Tuesday nights. (Oh, what, I'm not supposed to have a social life? What do you want me to do -- get a second job in a coal mine?!)
"Home Improvement" (ABC) -- My brother-in-law is into power tools, so I should probably catch this show. Me, I can barely work a venetian blind.
"Step by Step" (ABC) -- New comedy about an ex-Hitler Youth Corps member who becomes superintendent of an all-male boarding school and dreams of resurrecting the Third Reich. Only kidding. Haven't seen it.
"Flesh n' Blood" (NBC) -- Just looked in TV Guide: "Arlo promises not to throw Rachel a birthday party, but . . . zzzzz." Hand me that pillow, willya?
"Baby Talk" (ABC) -- Haven't seen it yet, but let me say this. If I had a baby with a voice like Tony Danza's, I'd think seriously about contacting an exorcist. Next thing you know, the kid's head will be rotating 360 degrees and he'll be spewing a river of green bile across the room. What's the matter, Ernest Borgnine wasn't available for the voice-overs?
"Palace Guard" (CBS) -- All I know is, the commercials for this show are steamy! Saw one where what's-his-name and what's-her-name are wrestling on the carpet, skin aglow, chests heaving with excitement. Say, there's quality entertainment the whole family can enjoy! Who's the producer, Bob Guccione?