Mayoral debate, other snippets of praise, blame

ROGER SIMON

October 21, 1991|By ROGER SIMON

SIMON SAYS:

Is it true WMAR-TV is planning on giving away free dinnerware to anyone willing to watch the mayoral debate on Friday?

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They sure look swell, but I've never seen anybody actually use a hammock.

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Why is it that the worst dressed person in the office is always the one to comment on everyone else's clothing?

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I get the feeling we should start using up our USAir frequent flier miles as soon as we can.

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Any time a reviewer uses the term "rollicking," I know whatever is being reviewed is really going to stink.

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Just what is a maraschino cherry?

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People who bring videotape cameras to parties should be beaten with sticks.

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When you get right down to it, bingo is one of the most pleasurable things you can do while seated.

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How come you always feel like you're being taken advantage of in a tire store?

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History will record that one of the great inventions of the 20th century was the squeezable ketchup bottle.

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I've said it before and I'll say it again: Spending money for metal detectors in the schools would be of greater long-term benefit than spending money for administrators in the schools.

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When is the last time you flew a kite?

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When people start talking about the Beach Boys' "Pet Sounds" album, I know it's time to leave the room.

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In order to cut down the state police budget, how about going to the honor system? That means the next time you speed, you give yourself a ticket.

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I could watch Bruno Kirby read a phone book.

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The day after 22 people are murdered in Texas, the House rejects a ban on military-style assault weapons and high-capacity ammo clips. But I can't think why people are losing faith in their institutions.

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Why am I so tempted to buy the "Best of Victor Borge" home video?

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Whatever happened to those speed-reading courses?

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Deep down, I'll bet you'd like to read "Catcher in the Rye" again, but are too embarrassed.

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Most people who have pool tables and pingpong tables in their basement rec rooms never use them. They just can't figure out what else to put in their basement rec rooms.

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Have you ever wondered who does the voice of Maggie on "The Simpsons"?

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You can tell a person's age by whether he calls it a pizza or a pizza pie.

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If you take a hard second look, I think you'll find that Rock Hudson really was a good actor.

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You could make a fortune if you could figure out something to do with clothes dryer lint.

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3' Hot fad for next summer: toe rings.

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Just once I'd like to see a kicker miss the PAT and not hear the commentator say: "That could really be important later on!"

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C7 I find archival footage of World War I fascinating.

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Maryland should adopt the same law as New York: When you turn your windshield wipers on, you must turn your headlights on also or it's a $100 fine.

(No, headlights do not make it easier for you to see in daytime storms, they make it easier for others to see you.)

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Final thoughts on the Clarence Thomas affair:

* One of the many questions still undecided is whether it's HAIR-ass-ment or har-ASS-ment.

* If you look up jellyfish in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of Joe Biden.

* I was stunned to learn that the FBI apparently cannot afford to provide its agents with tape recorders, which is why their transcript and Anita Hill disagree on what she said at one key point. If you, like me, have an old mini-cassette recorder lying around the house, please wrap it carefully and send it to: Federal Bureau of Investigation, 10th & Pennsylvania Ave. N.W., Washington, D.C., 20535.

* Just in case you couldn't figure out what he was saying, Strom Thurmond was yelling "Speak into the machines!" when he wanted witnesses to get closer to the microphones.

* It will be interesting to see if the Senate, having laughed off Anita Hill's polygraph test, will use polygraphs to find out who leaked her confidential statement.

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I know someone so mean that when he's on vacation, he always hopes for bad weather at home.

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I keep seeing the commercials, but I have never actually seen a Saturn on the road. Are they stealth cars?

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As you have long suspected, wire clothes hangers do mate in dark closets. That is why you have so many of them. But instead of sticking them in the garbage, where they break through the garbage bag anyway, why not just take them back to the laundry for re-use? Greenpeace might give you an award.

And while we're on the subject of saving the planet, I sure wish somebody would tell me that filling up landfills with leaves is stupid and I should just stop raking them.

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Let's admit it: "Seinfeld" is one of the funniest shows on TV.

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Bumper sticker of the month: "NASA -- 186,000 mps. It's the law."

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Another bumper sticker of the month: "If you love animals called pets, why do you eat animals called dinner?"

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Couldn't they make a T-shirt where the little tag doesn't curl up in back and scratch you all day?

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What I learned on my last vacation: Because of it's great beauty, wonderful restaurants and friendly people, Seattle is truly called the Baltimore of the West.

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United Airlines has given up the fight: They no longer demand you lower your window shade when the movie is on.

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Caesar salad without anchovies is like pizza without cheese.

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People who keep diaries into adulthood are among the strangest people I know.

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There is no better guide to the interior of a person's soul than the interior of his car.

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