CHAIRMAN: Please state your name for the record.
WITNESS: I just want to register to vote. I wasn't expecting a hearing.
CHAIRMAN: Let the record reflect the witness refuses to answer. Guard, please lock the doors and let no one in or out during the questioning.
WITNESS: But my husband is waiting in a no-parking zone!
CHAIRMAN: The chair recognizes the totally vicious senator from Wyoming.
SEN. SIMPSON: The witness has admitted she is party to a traffic offense. I move, therefore, she be beaten to death.
WITNESS: I just wanted to register to vote!
CHAIRMAN: The chair recognizes the extremely nasty senator from Utah.
SEN. HATCH: Does the name John Doggett III mean anything to you?
WITNESS: I don't think so.
SEN. HATCH: I have a sworn affidavit from John Doggett III that you not only knew him in Miss Flanigan's first-grade class, but that he sat no more than two seats behind you and on Oct. 7, 1957, you played doctor with him after school.
CHAIRMAN: Miss Flanigan? First grade? 1957? Are you sure?
SEN. HATCH: Of course I'm sure. This information was taken down by an FBI agent, who leaked it to a staff member, who leaked it to a reporter, who leaked it to his therapist, who leaked it to me.
CHAIRMAN: Chair recognizes the senator from Massachusetts.
SEN. KENNEDY: Has anybody seen my pants?
CHAIRMAN: We will take a five-minute recess to search for the senator's pants.
SEN. KENNEDY: I can almost swear I had them on when I came in.
L WITNESS: Will this be on television? It's very embarrassing.
CHAIRMAN: In order to protect the identity of the innocent and to act in a fair and just manner, your interrogation is being broadcast live only on CNN and C-Span. The networks have agreed to carry highlights at 6 and 11 p.m., but they will not interrupt the soap operas.
WITNESS: I'm humiliated.
CHAIRMAN: You should have thought of that before you decided to play doctor with John Doggett III!
SEN. SIMON: May I be recognized?
CHAIRMAN: I don't see how anybody could fail to recognize you with those huge earlobes you have.
SEN. SIMON: Mr. Chairman!
CHAIRMAN: Chair recognizes the senator from Illinois whose bow tie makes him look like Pee-wee Herman.
SEN. SIMON: I would just like to ask the witness if she intends to register as a Democrat or a Republican.
WITNESS: Well, a Democrat. In Maryland, if you don't register as a Democrat, you don't get to vote in the good primaries.
SEN. SIMON: In that case, I would like to say the witness is a fine person who deserves a seat on the Supreme Court.
WITNESS: I just want to register to vote!
CHAIRMAN: Chair recognizes the completely ruthless senator from Pennsylvania.
SEN. SPECTER: On June 12, 1981, didn't you tell your husband '' that he, and I quote, "hadn't gained a pound since college"?
WITNESS: Well, gee, I guess so.
SEN. SPECTER: And isn't it true that, in fact, on June 12, 1981, your husband weighed 245 pounds and was a real tub of lard?
WITNESS: He's no tub of lard! He may be a few pounds overweight, but he's a wonderful husband and father.
SEN. SPECTER: Perjury! First she says her husband "hadn't gained a pound since college" and then later she says he "may be a few pounds overweight." That's perjury! Move to have the witness' tongue cut out!
CHAIRMAN: Without objection, so ordered. Chair recognizes the totally vicious senator from Wyoming.
SEN. SIMPSON: Will the witness be beaten to death before her tongue is cut out or after her tongue is cut out?
CHAIRMAN: Does it matter?
SEN. THURMOND: Mr. Chairman?
CHAIRMAN: Chair recognizes the sleepy senator from South Carolina.
SEN. THURMOND: I have but one question of the witness and only one question that I would like to ask at this time and then I will reserve the balance of my time.
SEN. THURMOND: What year is it?
CHAIRMAN: Out of order.
SEN. DeCONCINI: Mr. Chairman?
CHAIRMAN: Chair recognizes the pasty-faced dim bulb from Arizona.
SEN. DeCONCINI: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. I would just like to say that I find it hard to determine whether the witness should be beaten to death and then have her tongue cut out or have her tongue cut out and then be beaten to death. I also don't know if her husband is a little overweight, a lot overweight or really a tub of lard. Also, it may be that her husband is in a no-parking zone and maybe he is not. And since it is impossible to determine these things with any degree of certainty, I'd think we should just place her on the court and be done with it.
CHAIRMAN: Without objection, so ordered.
WITNESS: You mean . . .?
CHAIRMAN: Yes, you are now an associate justice of the Supreme Court. You will earn $153,600 per year and the job is for life. Congratulations.
WITNESS: But that's crazy!
CHAIRMAN: Oh, yeah? You ought to see the way we used to pick them.