Notes from a hearing

October 15, 1991|By Art Buchwald

THE BIG losers from the weekend's hearings were not Anita Hill, Judge Thomas or the Senate Judiciary Committee -- they were the country's department stores. The stores lost all their customers to the television hearings, and long after everyone else recovers, the retail merchants will still be counting the inventory people should have bought at the Columbus Day sales.

If this country is going to ban Halcion, the popular sleeping pill, it has to ban Sen. Orrin Hatch of Utah as well.

As far as all politicians are concerned, sexual harassment has now replaced communism as the biggest issue this country faces.

The reason that the hearings took so long is that no senator on the panel could ever find the paper he was looking for. This is an old lawyer's trick to give him time to think of a question.

If you are a senator and you can't prove that a person is lying, the next best thing is to claim that she is living in a fantasy world. Pose your question as follows: "I know that you're not psychiatrist, but please tell me why you think the witness has hallucinations, paranoia, schizophrenia and suffers from a multiple personality disorder -- in your own words, of course."

Since so much sick stuff was mentioned at the hearings concerning sexual harassment, pornography and animal sex acts, there is some talk by the networks of putting the Senate Judiciary Committee hearings on as a daily feature with either Phil Donahue or Oprah Winfrey acting as the host. As moderators, they would be able to get to the bottom of the controversy.

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