They're over 40. They're not married. Why not?

September 16, 1991|By Susan Baer

Over dinner or coffee or drinks -- whatever incarnation the first date happens to take -- Mark Woodard will have some ver- sion of the same conversation with the woman across the ta- ble.

"You've never been married?" she will undoubtedly ask th42-year-old lobbyist. "Well, why is that?"

a subject that has to be served up, chewed on and digested early in the date, sometime around the foie gras or mixed greens, Mr. Woodard has found.

"There's a presumption to be overcome," believes the assistant executive director for the Maryland Association of Counties. "The presumption is, if you're 42 and never been married, either you don't want to be or no one will have you."

In other words, he explains, " 'Prove to me why you're not screwed up if you're not married.' "

L Such a nice boy. So bright, so successful, so good looking.


It's a question that nearly every heterosexual male who has reached age 40 but not the altar has had to answer -- and not only to their dates.

Supreme Court Justice David Souter, 51 and wifeless, ha reporters scrambling to find any tidbit that would unlock the mystery of his bachelorhood. And the forever-single status of Governor William Donald Schaefer, 69, has long engendered questions, theories and raised eyebrows.

"I usually respond with a flip answer," says Arlington, Va. bachelor Elliott Jaffa, 47. "I say, 'I'd rather want something I don't have than have something I don't need.' The truth is, I don't think there is an answer."

But Akron, Ohio, psychologist Charles A. Waehler believes otherwise. After studying a small group of white, heterosexual and never-married men ages 40 to 50, he concluded that such men tend to avoid emotional intimacy and commitment and behave in defensive, standoffish, idiosyncratic ways that keep others at arms length.

"Only 5 percent of bachelors after age 40 will ever marry," he told his peers at last month's convention of the American Psychological Association in San Francisco, "and women with a marriage goal in mind should be aware of that when they enter romantic relationships" with these men.

But along with hordes of graying or balding bachelors who claim they are not commitment-phobes, Philadelphia psychologist Michael Broder vigorously disputes the findings. "It's all such nonsense," says the author of "The Art of Living Single." "There are lots of different types of people at all ages who've never married."

The list of reasons, he says, "is endless."

Many, like Washington lawyer Cary Pollak, 46, say "marriage has

been an expectation, but not a goal. It's something that hasn't happened. I feel I can get close to people, I enjoy being in a relationship, I see the value in having someone who's close. I've just never made it to that."

But Mr. Pollak and other 40-plus, never-marrieds admit that there may be more to their extended bachelorhood than the usual party line about not having met the right woman or seeing too many divorces among friends.

"After having a couple of failures [at relationships], I started assessing, 'What is it I'm doing wrong?' " says Mark Horowitz, 47 and about to embark on his first marriage. He realized he had been too self-centered and caught up in his own needs, not open or communicative enough and not focusing on the right qualities when choosing women to date.

"All the things that are not taught in school," says Mr. Horowitz, director of community services for the city of Alexandria. "Had I had more guidance in my 20s, I don't think I'd be getting married for the first time at 47."

Washington entrepreneur Dominick Cardella, 49, suspects he's been too idealistic. "I want to feel magic all the time. Unless I feel magic, I don't stay with it. I guess I have an unrealistic attitude. I may be looking for too much in one person."

Dr. Richard Mallory Starr, of Washington's MenCenter, believes a number of men avoid marriage out of a fear of closeness, a fear that often stems from an early family life rife with fighting, criticism and sometimes alcoholism. "They think, 'If I do get married I'll repeat the nightmare.' "

But even Baltimore sound recordist Bill Porter, 50, who has no plans to ever marry, says the rest of his family is stable and "all very married." The state of matrimony, he's decided, just doesn't fit his nature.

"I'm not afraid of getting close to women," says Mr. Porter who's had long-term live-in relationships. "What I don't like is their turning around and being dependent on me. Then you get into the commitment business."

Cecia Hess, who runs "Make Me a Match" dating service in Fairfax, Va., says she's noticed several traits common among older bachelors that keep them from the commitment business. "Some set roadblocks for themselves -- they work 95 hours a week and want to know why they haven't met anyone. Some seem to be very set in their ways -- they can't be flexible or do the give-and-take that is necessary. And some are really looking for perfection."

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