Let's lose Noriega, look at Priscilla, overlook tires

ROGER SIMON

September 09, 1991|By ROGER SIMON

Simon Says:

We'd all be better off if we just stuck Manuel Noriega in the Baltimore city jail and let them lose him.

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Remember: If you don't vote Thursday, you don't get to complain Friday.

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People who look better now than they did 20 years ago: Cher, Linda Evans, Mick Jagger, Priscilla Presley, Carol Burnett, Ed McMahon, Jim Palmer.

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I don't believe anybody really knows what a hectare is.

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Given the current divorce statistics, people probably would do no worse just getting married at random.

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People who polish the tires on their cars are the strangest people I know.

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I don't understand why Michael Chang wears a watch while playing tournament tennis. Not only is there a clock at both ends of the court, but why does he need to know the time? Is he going to walk off the court when "L.A. Law" comes on?

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Men who go around with their bow ties untied always remind me of Jerry Lewis at the end of his telethon.

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Some of my colleagues would disagree, but if every other presidential press conference were conducted with the same format as ABC's recent "National Town Meeting," in which people from around the country got to ask the questions of George Bush, it might be a lot better than the current system.

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If you really want a weird read, check out the pages at the beginning of every dictionary.

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I'll bet you anything you don't know your own blood type.

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How come everybody on the "The Simpsons" has only four fingers on each hand? Does it come from living near a nuclear power plant?

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You can tell a lot about a person by whether they like Sam Kinison or Bob Goldthwaite. (You can tell even more about them if they can't stand either one.)

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Is there anything as beautiful as an emerald?

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I never thought I'd live to see the day: Fidel Castro doing the wave at the Pan Am Games.

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Take a look: Most men have uneven sideburns.

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Is it just me or was there something about Paul Simon's solo concert in Central Park that was not nearly as good as the Simon and Garfunkel concert in Central Park?

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I hate "teasers" for news shows like: "Did the O's make it two in a row? Tune in at 11." If a news medium has something to tell you, it should tell you.

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Could it be that Clark Clifford is not the senior statesman he wants us to think he is, but just another sleazoid?

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When Tom McMillen got jeered at the redistricting hearing in Annapolis, he got off one good line: "I'm used to that in the Boston Garden and Chapel Hill."

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I can read maps for hours even if I'm not going anywhere.

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How come it's always when you rush into a store to buy something on sale that you come out to find a parking ticket on your car?

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There are a number of people wearing bicycle pants who shouldn't.

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How about a national journalism board that tells us when people have had enough of one subject?

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How can the recession be over when the percentage of people who have exhausted their unemployment benefits is the highest since the Great Depression?

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People who tickle other people should be beaten with sticks.

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On days when you get nothing but junk mail, the Postal Service shouldn't even bother.

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Is there a more annoying commercial on the air than the one for Egoiste cologne? It makes me want to kick in the set, not buy the product.

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Paperback pick of the month: "The Book of Evidence" by John Banville.

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Three more thoughts on ABC's "National Town Meeting":

* Winner: Peter Jennings' suit.

* Best line: When Jennings called Gorbachev and Yeltsin "fellas."

* Best bet: That Ted Koppel was too angry to watch.

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When people say the real estate market is in a slump, they mean that houses worth $250,000 that were up for sale at $500,000 are now up for sale at $400,000.

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If you can't get into a parallel parking place after two tries, you ought to just drive on.

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