Reminders of towelettes, peppers, Bart Simpson and a new stadium

ROGER SIMON ...|...

July 14, 1991|By ROGER SIMON

SIMON SAYS:

I don't care what anyone says, we didn't have weather like this before they launched the Hubble Space Telescope.

*

A good vacuum cleaner should last you a lifetime. (If you don't live too long.)

*

Should we tell our children that if they, too, "experiment" with illegal drugs, they may grow up to be nominated to the Supreme Court?

*

Even with two new cities getting National League franchises, Baltimore still remains the only city in North America to have major league baseball and no other major league teams.

*

The End of Civilization As We Know It: The weigh-yourself scale my local Safeway costs 25 cents.

*

Next time the National Aquarium reminds us what a serious educational and research institution it is, I'm going to remind them of that goofy underwater wedding they allowed in their coral reef exhibit. Just because human beings want to be vulgar, HTC doesn't mean we have to expose innocent fish to it.

*

A new word the English language did not need: "right-sizing" instead of "layoffs."

*

Advice to "Confused in Catonsville": You are correct in believing that good manners dictate that you must respond if the invitation says RSVP even if you hate the people. But tying a note around a rock and throwing it at their house is not the way to do it.

*

ZH

I'm the only one I know in love with the smell of moist towelettes.

Hardcover picks of the month: "Second Sight" by Charles McCarry and "Dead Certainties" by Simon Schama. Paperback picks of the month: "Dog Eaters" by Jessica Hagedorn and "Blossom" by Andrew Vachss.

*

D2

Ever notice that Bart Simpson is left-handed?

If you really want to learn about the recession, wait until you see the ticket prices at the new stadium.

*

And speaking of the new stadium, those who want to name it after Babe Ruth are picking the wrong kind of institution to memorialize his years in Baltimore. We should name the next city reformatory after him.

*

Whatever happened to: Jessica McClure? Janet Cooke? Fanta soda? Moon Unit Zappa? Ivan Boesky? Spiro Agnew? Sam Pierce? Big Country? Claudine Longet? Harry Hughes? John DeLorean? Indian burns?

*

Guests who peek inside their hosts' medicine chests deserve it when something falls out and crashes to the floor. And clever hosts lean bottles against the inside of the chest door just to have this kind of fun.

*

There should be a law that says if any car alarm goes off and bothers you for more than 30 seconds, you get to set fire to the car.

*

According to one press account, the recent massive phone failures are "linked to the same type of computer switch and software that allow phone companies to offer sophisticated services such as Caller ID." So in order to provide a too-expensive, unnecessary, paranoia-driven service like Caller ID, the phone companies are screwing up the entire system. Personally, I'd just rather be able to pick up the phone and get a dial tone.

*

I know it doesn't mean anything, but I hate it when you buy a new sponge and it's already damp.

*

If the Baltimore City Council goes to single-member districts, what are we going to do with all those fancy chairs?

*

XF

An actual correction from The Chicago Tribune: "An article in the

March 24 Travel Section about Switzerland's Glacier Express makes several fond but erroneous references to 'The Little Engine That Could,' a classic children's tale. It speaks of the little engine pulling a load of toys over the mountain to 'needy' children, not 'good little boys and girls.' The title character, in reality a little blue switching engine, is misidentified as a 'tired, workhorse engine,' which actually was one of three refusing to help. And on the downhill side of its successful run, the Little Blue Engine is misquoted as changing its chant from 'I think I can -- I think I can' to 'I knew I could' rather than the proper 'I thought I could.' The Tribune regrets the errors."

C1

Few things are as boring as tennis on radio.

Want to make a guy feel good? Stop him on the street and say: sorry, I thought you were Armand Assante."

People who sit backward on chairs must have seen it in a police movie.

*

Let's try it one more time all you TV people: It's nuke-lee-ur not nuke-you-ler.

*

Nice little ice-breakers for that first date: "Do you let your pet watch you taking a bath? Does it matter if the pet is the same sex as you or not?"

*

How compulsive a shopper do you have to be to buy something from

those home shopping channels?

*

Compare Thurgood Marshall's accomplishments when he was appointed to the Supreme Court to the accomplishments of Clarence Thomas, and you will see how far the court has descended in a quarter century.

*

J8

I have never understood the appeal of Tony Bennett.

K9

Most bathrooms are the worst-lit rooms in the house.

I don't believe anyone has ever used the "time bake" setting on their ovens.

*

R How come red, yellow and green peppers taste exactly alike?

What will happen eons from now if extraterrestrials should sift through the wreckage of the earth and try to figure us out from our refrigerator magnets?

*

TB

There is a lot less to playing the tambourine than you think.

Let me get this straight: Saddam is still in power. He is still building nuclear weapons. And Kuwait, whom we made safe for democracy, is jailing people for wearing unpopular T-shirts. Now just what was it that we fought for again?

*

I don't believe anybody can really type numbers without looking the keyboard.

*

If you've never punched a time clock, you've never held a real job.

Baltimore Sun Articles
|
|
|
Please note the green-lined linked article text has been applied commercially without any involvement from our newsroom editors, reporters or any other editorial staff.