HI AGAIN everybody, this is 'Exit Eddie' Mulcahey with a look at rush hour traffic from our WYTD 'Eye in the Sky' helicopter, which, by the way, just narrowly missed clearing those power lines out by the airport again!
"This traffic update brought to you by Al's Quality Mens Wear, which reminds you that if you're looking for a sport coat in a 42 regular, chances are we have it, at least in navy blue.
"Looking down on the Beltway now, the outer loop is bumper to bumper as usual. So is the Jones Falls Expressway inbound. So is I-95 leading into the city. No kidding, right? It's Monday morning. People are going to work! Duhhhhhh!
"By the way, if you have a car phone and would like to report an accident, give us a call at 555-WHAM. Even if you yourself are involved, just wrap a tourniquet around any severed arteries as soon as you come to, then give us a call before that gas tank explodes! We'd love to hear from you!
"Checking the rest of the metro area traffic, we do have one big accident to report. Right now we're flying over I-70, where it looks like a tanker-truck has overturned. Can't see what its contents are, although there seems to be a fine, white mist forming over the area. Hey, Captain Jim, see if you can take 'er down a little so we can get a look!
"Let's see . . . whoa, some more power lines there, Captain Jim! . . . now we can make out a big Nuclear Regulatory Commission sticker on the side of the truck. And we can see teams of men in Mylex protective suits and masks sweeping the area with what appear to be radiation-measuring devices.
"Judging from the emergency vehicles rushing to the scene and the governor's helicopter landing on the median strip, it looks like traffic in the area could be tied up for a while. Might want to think about Reisterstown Road as a detour, although that seems to be filling up fast with evacuees and National Guard trucks also fleeing the scene. Hoo, boy, not a good sign there!
"Speaking of contamination, hey, listeners, don't forget that the WYTD 'You're a Winner!' mini-van is on the roads this morning, ready to give away an estimated $10,000 in prizes to some lucky guy or gal who doesn't freak out behind the wheel the way our last winner, Michael Petruso of Baltimore, did.
"So if a fire-engine red van driven by a wild-eyed ex-hippie cuts you off, slams on its brakes and forces you to the shoulder of the road, don't reach in your glove compartment for that 9mm -- at least not yet. It's probably our station manager, B.B. 'Hound Dog' Cantrell.
"Here's the deal: the Dog'll flash a fake DEA badge and ask you to get out of your car, put both hands on the hood and spread your feet apart. Then -- get this -- he'll ask you to sing AC/DC's 'Shoot to Thrill' backward! But, hey, nothing comes easy, right?! Just ask Michael Petruso! Hey, Mike, take care of that whiplash and get well soon, buddy!
"By the way, sing the song correctly and you could be eligible for our grand prize, a fun-filled, all-expenses-paid weekend with Guns N' Roses as they kick off the West Coast leg of their 'Rehab Across America' Tour.
"First stop: the Betty Ford Clinic, where you'll spend an evening in the isolation ward with Slash as he sweats out the first part of his treatment for an 8-year booze and chemical-dependency problem.
"Remember, all you have to do to enter is pick up a 'WYTD Rules the Road!' bumper sticker, available here at the station or at any Al's World of Tropical Fish outlet, where they remind you: 'Fish, fish . . . we got fish!'
"Got an update now on that overturned tanker on I-70. According to state police, the truck was bound for New Jersey (hey, there's a big upset!) and carrying some sort of unprocessed uranium. UD-235, I think they said. No word yet on its half-life.
"No word either on what caused the accident, although strangely enough, our own WYTD "You're a Winner!' mini-van was supposed to be cruising that area!
"Dog, if you're out there and can hear my voice, here's a piece of advice: Don't take a deep breath, buddy!
"To recap then, the Beltway looks bad. The JFX looks bad. 95 inbound looks bad. And don't even think about taking I-70, at least not until the radiation levels dip below 5,000 rads per square foot and the all-clear siren sounds.
"Anyway, that's a look at metro traffic. We'll be back in about 15 minutes with an update, brought to you by Al's Carpet Barn, where they remind you: 'We're a lot more than remnants!'"