Passing thoughts on stadium name, stadium seating

ROGER SIMON

June 03, 1991|By ROGER SIMON

SIMON SAYS:

Want to bet that when it gets hot in Japan they don't close the schools early?

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Never, ever tell anyone there is more of them to love.

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Instead of spending thousands of dollars to put up a fence to keep homeless people away from the Holocaust Memorial in downtown Baltimore, couldn't that money be better used to help the homeless obtain the sanitary and other facilities they need? And wouldn't that honor the Holocaust victims more?

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Want to feel old? John F. Kennedy would have been 74 last week.

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I don't care what some regulars say: I like the new decor of Rallo's in South Baltimore. And if you can find a better cup of coffee anywhere, stay home and drink it.

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Call me suspicious, but I just don't trust mail chutes.

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If they don't pick a new name for the baseball stadium soon, all the highway signs are going to have to read: "Three Miles to Something-Or-Other Stadium." (So why not just call it Camden Yards and get it over with? On the other hand, Schaeferland Stadium does have a certain ring to it.)

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Bumper sticker of the month: "I Brake for Elvis."

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If it weren't for Women's Pro Beach Volleyball, I'm not sure ESPN would be worth it.

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Say what you want about "thirtysomething" (and I liked it) but you have to admit that Miles Drentell played by David Clennon was one of the few unique characters on television.

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Was that Helen Bentley I saw roller-blading down at the Harbor the other day?

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I know they are tearing the place down, but I would appreciate it if the Orioles would please fix Seat 2 in Row 39 of Section 41. And if you're wondering what I was doing sitting in a crummy Obstructed View seat, it's because recent surveys have revealed that my views are among the most obstructed in journalism.

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Do kids still fold bread in half and eat the center?

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Don't throw out your used aluminum foil. It can be washed off and recycled. Or you can just save it up and build your own airplane some day.

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I don't understand people who don't like anchovies.

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Last week I became a godfather for the first time. So can anyone tell me whether this means I have to get really nice presents for my goddaughter for the rest of her life or whether I am now the head of a crime family?

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How come no matter how classy the restaurant, you still have to stick a sugar packet under the table leg to keep it from wobbling?

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There is no more difficult piece of furniture to buy than a lamp.

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Jay Leno on the Brady bill: "Now bank robbers are gonna say, 'Give me all your money or I'll come back in seven days and shoot you!' "

Is there really a difference between beignets and sopaipillas?

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People who bustle around with pencils behind their ears are not fooling anybody.

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I don't care if it is the height of culinary fashion: I can't get used to rare pork.

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People who hold the elevator door open while they chat with somebody in the hallway should be beaten with sticks.

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I really have this thing for bare-legged women in cowboy boots. I must have been all those Dale Evans movies I saw as a kid.

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I don't care what anyone says, yellow mustard is still the best kind.

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I don't believe anyone has ever finished a Super Big Gulp.

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This week's Madonna item: "Madonna" and "Kennedy" have thesame number of letters. Coincidence -- or what?

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I know a guy who is so neat he washes his rental car before he returns it.

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Being asked to host "Saturday Night Live" is a sure sign your career is over.

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One of my neighbors lets his toddler ride on top of the power mower as he cuts the grass.

Do I:

A) Tell the guy how dangerous it is and have him tell me he can raise his kids anyway he wants and I should mind my own business?

B) Call the cops and file a child abuse complaint?

C) Offer to cut the grass for him?

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Men get really embarrassed when they have to carry flowers down the street.

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How come none of the digital clocks on the cable channels ever agree?

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I don't believe anybody can taste the difference between a "dry" beer and a regular "wet" beer.

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Sign seen at a "laid-back" restaurant: "No shirt, no shoes, no problem."

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Cheap summer fun: Vacuuming up bugs with your Dustbuster.

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I can't remember the last time I ate in a French restaurant. Could this be a cuisine whose time has gone?

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I think people who use telephones on airplanes are just showing off.

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True Confessions: I always buy the latest Eric V. Lustbader novel when it comes out in paperback.

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Most people think their feet are hideous.

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If you don't own something in teal, you are really out of it.

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Some people just have to pick threads off other people.

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Is it still considered bad manners to put your elbows on the table when you eat? How about your ankles?

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Since nobody but drug dealers use it, why do schools still teach the metric system?

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Wind chimes are real nice. For about 30 seconds.

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