Let's hear it for lefty

Art Buchwald

May 07, 1991|By Art Buchwald

WE WERE arm-wrestling with each other at Lefty's Bar and Grill the other night when word reached us that lefties were an inferior species who were responsible for more accidents and premature deaths than any other group.

Lefty George was so outraged that he knocked over a bottle and spilled beer on his pants. "I knew it would come to this. They have nobody left to persecute, so they have decided to go after left-handers."

Lefty Eddie said, "Before I make any comment, I'll have to study the report. Until then, I deny that I have any physical or psychological disorders."

"Why are you setting the tablecloth on fire?" Sam the Southpaw asked me.

"I am left-handed," I admitted. "And I am not ashamed to come out of the closet and say it. The report was obviously written by right-handed psychologists who have persecuted left-handers since time began."

"Listen to this," Lefty Deardorf said as he read from his newspaper. "Left-handers are more prone to diseases and disorders than right-handers."

Lefty Cronheim yelled, "That's a stack of horse manure." He clutched the air as he fell off his stool.

We all turned to Fred the bartender. Since he owned the saloon he was ambidextrous.

"Fred, do you think left-handers are more dumb than right-handers?"

He replied, "No. They are just slower. Look at Frieda over there. No one will dance with her because she has two left feet. Frankly, I have no problems with lefties unless they're the designated drivers."

Lefty Dowd cried, "Let's kill the right-handers before they kill us."

He had our attention. He explained, "I have heard this from many women who have been kissed from the right and from the left. Left-handers hold women as if they mean it."

Frieda asked, "What about left-handed women? Are they better romantically than right-handed ones?"

"Probably," I assured her. "But the ideal situation is if you put a left-handed woman with a left-handed guy. Then you'll really see the Earth move."

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