OYESTERBACK, MARYLAND — Oysterback, Maryland. - A Geranium Sale and Microwave Cookoff Contest will be held at Oysterback Methodist Church June 3. ''Cooking with Processed Cheese Food'' will be the theme . . .
Ted Di Biase, pro wrestling's Million Dollar Man, will address the graduating class of Oysterback High School at Commencement June 7 ...
Ancient blood feuds and high school rivalries promise to make this year's Micro Brewery League softball games the best yet! The Blue Crab Jimmys will square off against hated opponents, Crabtrap, Va.'s Dew Drop Inn Lounge Lizards. Blue Crab Proprietor Desiree Grinch promises the action off the field will be even better than Junie Redmond's famous crabspit ball. Free beer, first aid and a Blue Crab T-shirt to the first 25 spectators at the June 10 game under the lights in the Blue Crab's ball field . . .
Oysterback Middle School art teacher Griselda Everdean will present her student dance troupe, Ballet Folklorico de Tilghman Island, in performance at the Community Center June 19. Ms. Everdean will solo in her acclaimed ''Danse de Defiance aux Jesse Helms'' . . .
A Rummage Sale and Dialogue on the Historical Overviews of Soren Kierkegaard will be held June 21 at Oysterback Methodist Church to benefit local charity Professor Shepherd, who didn't get tenure from the State College and now lives on his boat in the harbor. Miss Hagar Jump, a Little Theatre Favorite, will play Kierkegaard.
The Phyllis Schafly Chapter of Submissive Wives will hold a Handiwrap lingerie show and prayer breakfast at the home of Mrs. LaMar Griswold, if LaMar isn't having his buddies over for cards that night or is in one of his moods, on June 3 . . .
One of the Eastern Shore's most popular bands of a decade ago, Steel Trap, will be re-forming, according to keyboardist and perennial Bird Dog and the Road Kings groupie Brandi Bambi. Steel Trap, arguably the most popular band on the Shore, had almost hit the big time in a Hoffa Stadium concert in Cape May. Grits Jones, lead guitarist and singer was arrested in mid-concert for attempting to smuggle 40 lbs. of cocaine into New Jersey in the back of his amplifier when, during a particularly heavy rendition of ''Stairway to Heaven,'' the amplifier exploded and police rushed the stage. Out of Rahway State Prison now, Grits, Brandi and the boys are tanned, rested and ready to rock and roll in a tentative August date at the Hebron Hotel Party . . .
Once again, the Oysterback VFD will present a fireworks extravaganza down at the harbor on the Glorious 4th, if Hudson Swann remembers to pick up the fireworks on his way back from sneaking down to Virginia to pour sugar water into the gas tank of hated rival Lizards pitcher Sneed Halsey . . .
The Ladies of Oysterback Methodist Church and the Ladies' Auxiliary of the Oysterback VFD will again combine forces this year for the Oysterback Tomato Festival. Tomatoes will be the theme this year, with a tomato contest, tomato jelly, tomato pie and new tomato and Tater Tots Casserole recipes. The Festival will start July 17 and end July 21 with the crowning of Miss Beefsteak, the Tomato Princess. This year it has been decided that instead of sacrificing a tourist to the Tomato Fertility God, a developer will do just as well. If no developer is available, the public is reminded that Geraldo Rivera will be Master of Ceremonies this year . . .
August 3 heralds the return of the popular Spray Truck Pull and Steam Show at Widgeon Park. Bring a picnic lunch and a particle mask!
Cucumber Night will be August 25 this year, Mrs. Nettie Leery says. Join your neighbors in leaving all those thousands of cukes that have suddenly appeared in your garden on the doorsteps of your neighbors in the dead of the night! This year, bluefish and excess tomatoes will also be included in the fun.
Mr. Earl's Party Farm will hold a Labor Day Battle of the Bands starting at dusk on Friday and continuing until the last bass player drops from exhaustion Monday afternoon. Once again, security will be provided by Satan's Psychos, Ocean City Chapter. Due to the sudden commitment of Hooley Wallop, rhythm guitarist for Steel Trap, to the Betty Ford Clinic, the band's reunion concert has been postponed indefinitely this year . . .
Helen Chappell, an Eastern Shore novelist, is the chronicler of Oysterback.