Our Impetuous -- And Imperious -- Governor Speaks

April 21, 1991|By Phil Greenfield

Maryland's governor and, er, "Favorite Son" presidential candidate has been attracting more than his share of attention these days, thanks to his penchant for confronting his detractors both in print and inperson.

Those who've publicly criticized the governor via the letters to the editor column are apt to receive a venomous epistle from Mr. Schaefer for their trouble.

And, on occasion, the gripers have found Maryland's chief executive on the doorstep, complaining in person about the harsh treatment he's received from the offending author.

These actions, along with the governor's fecal characterization of the Eastern Shore, have caused more than a few heads to shake and tongues to wag.

Is this an appropriate way for "presidential timber" to carry on the public discourse associated with his high office?

One wonders how events mighthave turned out had this spirited governor been in positions of leadership at other junctures in world history.

Hmmmm. . .

To: Socrates

From: William Donald Schaefer, governor of the Athenian Council

I hear you've been running around Athens asking a lot of embarrassing questions about our system of government.

Hah! Listen, you "truth-seeking" phony. You claim you just ask the questions and don'treally know anything. That's the ONLY thing we agree on, fella.

You and your comedian buddies are always making fun of your leaders. Take this Aristophanes fellow, always writing about frogs and birds and weird stuff like that. What does he know about real life? His head is in the clouds.

And you, Mr. "Know Thyself." What kind of adviceis that anyway? I could tell you plenty about all I've tried to do for the people of Athens. And, thanks to jerks like you, do I get any thanks for it? Hah!

When my girlfriend had that beautiful new fountain built in front of the Parthenon, did anyone say, "Well done?" Just a lot of snickers from stupid sophists out to make us look ridiculous. They wouldn't know beauty if its ultimate form bit them on theirCorinthian columns.

And what do you know from running the economy? You don't even take money from your disciples. You just run aroundlike a philosophical hippie.

I hear you are even too lazy to write anything down. You just let that Plato kid do it for you.

Take it from me: The polis can do without your kind, Soc. From where I sit,even a hemlock cocktail would be too good for you.

To: Martin Luther

From: Pope William Donald I

Who the hell are you to go nailing things up on my door? I don't go for your bull, pal. So here's some papal bull of my own.

I'm tired of listening to all your wild criticisms. What's wrong with indulgences? If we don't sell them, somebody else will. Don't you realize I have a church to run? Do you think all these Renaissance artists work for nothing? That Michelangelo fellow charged us a fortune to do the ceiling. And he only used one coat.

None of this comes cheap. We've got cathedrals to build, priests to pay and kings to bribe. My cardinals have mistresses and kids to support. And don't forget my new Reach the Vatican program. It willcut travel time to St. Peter's by days, I tell you.

So spare me your "holier than thou" baloney before I show you just how much control over Purgatory I really do have. We need money, so lay off.

Next, I suppose, you'll be trying to tell people I'm not infallible, justlike those phoney anti-popes used to do over in that ----house French town of Avignon!

And what kind of a priest has two first names for his name, anyway?

As far as I'm concerned, when that lightning bolt hit you, it short-circuited your brain.

If you ever walk intomy church, you heretic, you can kiss my apse.

To: Benjamin Franklin

From: King William Donald III

Why don't you go fly a kite ina thunderstorm, you fat, near-sighted, girl-chasing traitor. In fact, take the Adams boys, Jefferson and that Patrick Henry with you.

If all of you got zapped, it would light up my life. Throw tea in my harbor, will ya!

To: Roman Colosseum Authority

From: Caesar William Donaldus

It has come to my attention that you have rejected my request to name Rome's newest area the Circus Donaldus in honor of me, your emperor.

Guys, what kind of a crummy name is "The Colosseum" anyway? In a couple of thousand years, when the thing is falling apart, do you think anyone will want to visit a ruin with such a boring name? Loosen up your togas, boys; you're cutting off the circulation to your brains.

It should be named after me. I planned this facility. After Robertus the Tipsy moved his Lions to Pompeii under the cover of darkness, depriving us of one of our favorite sports, I swore that Rome would still be No. 1 in chariot racing and gladiator sports.

Our economy will benefit tremendously from these athletic events, and it's all my doing!

And now you patrician punks are going to cast me aside? Colosseum? Even Circus Maximus is a better name thanthat.

In fact, better yet. Name it after yourselves. Call it Gluteus Maximus. Because as far as I'm concerned, you ungrateful jerks are a big pain in the butt.

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