Of Kevin Costner, and Jodie Foster, and telephones

ROGER SIMON

April 12, 1991|By ROGER SIMON

Simon Says:

Do you think the Kennedys could get a family rate on exorcisms?

Never trust anyone who puts milk in his tea.

Aww c'mon, could Kevin Costner really be that humble?

I have never watched a duller sport than polo.

Could cab drivers really be comfortable sitting on those beads?

In one case, a woman midshipman at the Naval Academy is abducted from her room, dragged to a men's washroom, handcuffed to a urinal, taunted and photographed and, after much foot-dragging, her abductors are given demerits. In another case, a woman midshipman at the Naval Academy is accused of not being 100 percent candid when asked if she kissed and hugged a male midshipman. She is kicked out of the academy.

In each case, the questions are the same: Did the punishment fit the crime? Did a woman suffer because of it?

When did it become OK to change diapers in public places?

I don't care if he did attend the memorial service, I thought it was kind of shabby for George Bush to skip Lee Atwater's funeral because it would have meant interrupting his fishing vacation.

I can't figure out why they have decided to turn "L.A. Law" into "Dallas."

Ask any farmer: Pigs are much smarter than horses, and there is nothing dumber than a chicken.

It would have been interesting to see John Hinckley's reaction to Jodie Foster's Oscar-night dress.

I think you'll find that the brief Maryland Public TV news updates will give you all the TV news and weather you need each night. And this will leave you more time to read the newspaper and patronize our many fine advertisers.

Two things nobody owns anymore: Waffle irons and pressure cookers.

Whatever happened to those Squeegee Kid Training Schools?

Those new Army commercials that come on late at night don't emphasize leadership skills and camaraderie anymore. Now, they make it look positively fun to go out and blow somebody up.

Hey, does World League of American Football stink or what?

I love those new gas stations where you can stick the credit card right in the pump. That way, you don't have to deal with a fellow human being.

Talk about heaven.

Whatever happened to science fiction?

Don't knock mud-bog racing unless you've tried it.

Are there any events at which women are still supposed to wear gloves? (Except snowball fights?)

NBC's "Expose" is darn good and Brian Ross remains the best investigative reporter on television.

Is it possible that the governor's mansion is built on an old Indian burial ground?

I've been carrying the same Canadian penny around with me for three weeks because I'm too nice a guy to stick someone else with it.

Don't invite Robert Caro and Sidney Blumenthal to the same party.

Amazing but true: According to the National Highway Transportation Safety Administration, 40 percent of all Americans will be involved in an alcohol-related crash during their lives.

Does anyone still darn socks? How?

Ask any hotel phone operator what question guests call and ask the most. It's: "Where am I?" Frequent travelers often wake up in the morning and have no idea what city they are in. (I write it on my hand the night before so I don't have to wake up in a panic.)

Is Meg Ryan cute as a button or what?

It seems to me that in the old days you could drop a telephone 5 feet and nothing would happen to it. These days, you drop a phone 5 inches, half the micro-chips shatter and everybody who calls you sounds like they are speaking in Flemish.

People who have those moving, flashing lights surrounding their rear windows or license plates should be beaten with sticks.

I think it is unlikely that the Orioles' new stadium will be named for Babe Ruth. If it is named for a person now, that means it cannot be changed later. But if it is named for a place now, say Camden Yards Stadium or Baltimore Stadium, it could easily be changed to William Donald Schaefer Stadium as a memorial some day.

Does anyone still say "Am-scray!"

I still can't believe it: Two days ago, I saw a Dukakis/Bentsen bumper sticker on a car. I never saw one of those when they were running!

OK, OK, so it was a hot-tub. So it was Aspen. So it was me, Frank, Shirley and Nancy Reagan. But WE ARE ALL JUST FRIENDS!

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