STILL WATERS: "Life is nothing if you're not obsessed," quipped funky filmmaker John Waters at the Comedy Factory Outlet Thursday night before a packed house.
In his one-hour monologue, the Baltimore-based director had the audience in stitches as he expounded on just about everything he's obsessed with, from Mr. Ray -- "I'd love to make the Mr. Ray story" -- to Marla Maples -- "drag queens were made to play her" -- and the peculiarities of his beloved Bawlmer. "When I was young, I knew something was wrong with me mentally," John confessed, "but I wanted something to be wrong physically."
When the dentist wouldn't put braces on his teeth, Waters' solution was to wedge paper clips in his gums. "They bled," he explained, "but I was a much happier child."
As for new movie projects, Waters is working on a picture for Paramount called "Glamour Puss," which he said would be bad luck to talk about.
Recently, while he was in Lexington Market, a man chased after him. "Barry," the man nudged, "Barry Levinson?" Only in Bawlmer.
OPENING (DAY) REMARKS: Our friend Groovin' Reuven, who considers himself a baseball trivia maven -- in other words, he's a know-it-all -- posed this Major League Question in time for tomorrow's Opening Day game: Five pitchers in major league history have thrown two no-hitters in one season: Johnny Vander Meer, Allie Reynolds, Jim Maloney, Nolan Ryan -- and the fifth will be throwing out the first ball at Memorial Stadium tomorrow.
Hint: It isn't Vice President Dan Quayle or former Oriole pitcher Bob Turley, who'll also be throwing out the first ball -- or rather the first three balls.
Give up? It's former White Sox pitcher Virgil Trucks, who threw against Turley in '54 at Memorial Stadium at the Orioles first game. (His two no-hitters were pitched with the Detroit Tigers in '52, however.)
THE AD AGENCY OF Trahan, Burden and Charles will introduce a campaign for the Orioles' final season featuring a montage of O's film clips past and present, dubbed "A Season to Remember." The agency has transformed Bob Hope's signature song "Thanks for the Memory" into a baseball tribute for the home team and will include baseball legends as well as modern-day stars.
CABLE NEWS NETWORK'S John Holliman, who became an instant celebrity with his recent coverage of the Persian Gulf war, will be the honorary guest at the eighth annual Grant-A-Wish Benefit April 18 at Martin's West.
The evening's festivities will include an auction of hundreds of items from around the world including an autographed CD from Bette Midler and a signed basketball from Michael Jordan. Holliman himself has donated the T-shirt he wore in Baghdad for four days. Sure hope he washed it! For ticket info, call 242-1549.
DANCE FEVER: Martinique's Nightclub in Perring Plaza will be the scene of the next three Thursday nights of taping for the half-hour television dance show "Dance Explosion," which airs Saturday nights at 2 a.m. on WDCA-TV (Channel 20).
THEIR BEST FEET FORWARD: Over the past 17 years, Margot and Cleaveland Miller have raised more than $75,000 for the March of Dimes by walking in the Walk-a-Thon. Last Monday, the Millers inaugurated the new Walk-a-Thon route (which covers Baltimore city and county) by inviting a few media personalities to walk with them. A champagne reception met them at the finish line. This year's Walk-a-Thon takes place April 14. To sign -- up, call 752-7990.
ELECTORAL PROCESS: Former Baltimore writer Howard Greenebaum, who now makes his home in Northern California, will be in town as part of a cross-country promotional tour to tout his new book "Free Elections" at Morgan State University on May 6 at 10 a.m.
The self-published (his publishing company is called P. V. Goldsmith after his mom, who lives in town) work is non-fiction and explores America's political and election process.
"We should not have to keep electing people who are the buck hustlers," says Greenebaum, who's run unsuccessfully for political office. The book is available at some area B. Dalton book stores.
FINALLY, the hottest rumor that had our heart pitter-pattering this week was a message on the Eyes Hot Line claiming that hunk, Mel Gibson, had been spied downtown. We've come up dry on the story. Anybody know the scoop?