Thoughts dwell on sharp pencils, dark chocolate


March 13, 1991|By ROGER SIMON

Simon Says:

The most terrifying drivers I have ever ridden with have been real estate agents.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with George Bush touring Kuwait City. After all, Lincoln toured Richmond.

There are few smells as good as a freshly sharpened pencil.

The best way to break up a marriage is to play Monopoly with your spouse.

If you've always wanted to meet the governor, now you know how to do it: Just send him a nasty letter and he'll come right to TC your door. That's what I call service.

It's very disconcerting to hear an oldie on the radio that you've never heard before.

People who stop at the top of escalators should be beaten with sticks.

True Confessions: I have had impure thoughts about Winona Ryder.

If you thought frosty white was the "in" kitchen color, think again. It's glossy black.

I really admire people who can skip stones on water.

The theory that two black candidates in the mayor's race will split the black vote allowing a white candidate to win is overly simplistic. What usually happens is that the presence of a white candidate causes the black vote to solidify around the stronger black candidate.

People who say, "I am not a prude," usually are.

Admit it: You get very upset if you can't find your color toothbrush when it comes time to buy a new one.

Athletic shoes are no longer made, they are constructed.

You can tell a lot about a person by whether he likes milk or bittersweet chocolate.

In California, the drought is so bad that bars are holding damp T-shirt contests. (A tip of the hat to S. Kelly of the San Diego Union.)

Anything you put in a hotel room drawer you will leave behind.

Whatever happened to George Chakiris?

Anyone who gives you an "open invitation" to come visit doesn't want to see you.

You thought Dove Bars were good? Wait until you try a Snickers Ice Cream Bar.

Paperback pick of the month: "Mile Zero" by Thomas Sanchez.

You know your friends are cheap when they go on a trip and send you the free postcard they find in the hotel room.

Astonishing But True: I have never had a bad meal in a Chinese restaurant.

To those who are confused by the animal on the new Maryland "Treasure the Chesapeake" license plates: It is a two-legged, long-beaked mosquito, magnified 1,000 times.

Celebrate the peace! Buy a house! Buy a car! Take out an ad! Be a good American!

How come the phone company spent all that money pushing Caller ID in fancy TV commercials but has provided only one ugly pamphlet to explain Call Number Blocking and Call Trace?

I don't think William Holden ever made a bad movie.

OK, I could understand it when rich people put those silly nose covers, called "car bras," on their Porsches. But on Hondas?

Does anybody still play mah-jongg? Could they explain it to me?

Some people would rather die than ask a relative for money. So why aren't any of them in my family?

True Life Conversations:

Me: How are your customers doing these days?

Barber: The psychologists are doing a great business, but the surgeons are doing a lousy business.

Me: I can understand the psychologists but not the surgeons.

Barber: Unless it's major surgery, nobody wants to take time off from work to go in the hospital. Nobody wants to have their bosses find out they can get along without them.

Me: Now that you mention it, I think I can put off my nose job for another couple of years.

Has anyone ever worn out a hammer?

The good news is that the road construction in and around Baltimore will be completed. The bad news is that it won't be completed until sometime after the rebuilding of Kuwait.

If I can get just three more signatures on the petition, I can have Andy Rooney put to sleep.

Just to prove our Persian Gulf victory was not a fluke, we may need one more quick war. I suggest either British Columbia or Baja California.

Men hate changes in their lives far more than women do.

You know you've become your parents when you buy your first recliner.

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