COACH: I'd like to preface my comments with a brief statement. The season has been joined.
The march to the championship has begun! We're winning! Victory is ours!
Now I'd be glad to entertain your questions.
Reporter: You say you're winning. Can you tell us the score?
Coach: Not at this time. But I can tell you that everything is going according to plan, and we're right where we want to be at this time.
But it's still early. It's only the first quarter of the first game of a very long season. We're right on schedule.
Reporter: Being on schedule implies that you have an idea of when this will be over.
Coach: No, no no. We are right on schedule. But there is no timetable involved here. I don't see how you can confuse the two. Achieving victory is a long, slow process, and we're going to do that in a very quick, decisive, surgical-like manner.
Reporter: Is it true that your star player has torn some ligaments ++ in his foot?
Coach: I don't know. The X-rays are unclear. Medical assessment reports take a long time.
Reporter: Was it the left or right foot?
Coach: I'll have to get back to you on that.
Reporter: What is your game plan?
Coach: For security reasons I'm unable to give you the specifics. I will say that we're meeting our objectives.
Reporter: What are your objectives?
Coach: I'll have to double-check on that.
Reporter: What kind of defense are you going to play?
Coach: If I told you that, they'll know that, too, won't they?
Reporter: Why are you so confident about victory?
Coach: Look, let's put this thing in perspective. God is on our side.
Reporter: God has been on your side for a long time now. Isn't he due to graduate soon?
Coach: We've red-shirted him a few times.
Reporter: According to the program, God is suiting up for the other team, too.
Coach: What can I say? He's a real fan of the game.
Reporter: Can you tell us where you're playing?
Coach: Not at this time.
Reporter: Coach, our job would be a lot easier if you could tell us where you're playing.
Coach: Look, I'm not here to make things easier for you. Do you think it's easy for our players?
Reporter: I understand that some of the players don't even know where the game is.
Coach: Well, we're playing this game on a need-to-know basis. Can't you reporters get anything straight?
Reporter: We might be able to if we could actually get into the arena to see for ourselves.
Coach: I can't characterize the situation that way at all.
Reporter: One last question, coach. Can you tell us exactly what sport you guys are playing?
Coach: I don't know. I'll have to get back to you on that.
Mike Gesker is senior writer and associate producer of Maryland Public Television's "Crabs."