Marching to Baghdad WAR IN THE GULF

February 07, 1991|By RICK HOROWITZ | RICK HOROWITZ,Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist.

What's a war without the right kind of music? Picture a big room --

a podium, a microphone, a clutch of eager reporters. Yes indeed,

it's ''The Pentagon Briefers' March'':

''Can you give us an assessment of the damage that you'vdone?

You've dropped a couple million tons of ordnance.''

''We'd like to help you out on that, we're sure you'd have somfun,

But we're worried 'bout a different kind of audience.

(chorus)

''If we told -- you -- that, we'd be telling it to Saddam,

Telling it to Saddam,

Telling it to Saddam,

We don't want -- to -- go -- through another Vietnam,

So we're not gonna have a useful word to say.''

''Can you tell us what the guys up in the trenches eat for lunch?''

''We haven't pulled the necessary data.''

''Then how about an estimate? A guess? A hint? A hunch?''

''It's classified. It's secret. See ya later.

(chorus)

''If we told -- you -- that, we'd be telling it to Saddam,

Telling it to Saddam,

Telling it to Saddam,

We believe -- in -- free -- dom and apple pie and Mom,

So we're not gonna have a thing for you today.''

''You refuse to let us anywhere to see with our own eyes,

You make all sorts of sweeping declarations,

The only thing we know for sure's the sun is gonna rise -- ''

We never comment on future operations.''

(chorus)

''If we told -- you -- that, we'd be telling it to Saddam,

Telling it to Saddam,

The guy may have a bomb!

That's the rea -- son -- we're -- standing up so nice and calm,

'Cause we're not gonna give our strategy away.''

''Sir, we've just received a rumor that Saddam Hussein is dead,

They say he fell in some gigantic riot,

You've got to have your sources there, they wouldn't be misled --

Can you at least confirm it or deny it?''

(chorus)

''If we told -- you -- that, we'd be telling it to Saddam,

Telling it to Saddam,

Telling it to Saddam,

Not to men -- tion -- ev -- 'ry -- Harry, Dick and Tom,

So we're not gonna take the bait,

You're just gonna have to wait,

We're not gonna decimate the U.S.A.!''

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