I KNOW there are a lot of you out there who want to know how to be a great date, right?
And the December Cosmopolitan magazine has some hints for those of you who are single and searching.
You know Cosmo, that magazine that's never made up its mind between sex kitten and feminist dogma, placing somewhere between Playboy and Good Housekeeping.
I'm having lunch with Pammy, my single friend with upward mobility. We're mad as hatters without the hats over the article. We see it as taking women back to the '50s with a bunch of corny come-ons.
I asked Pammy: ''Would you ever butter your date's roll?''
''His roll, as in dinner roll.''
''No way,'' she answers. ''Unless he was lying horizontal in traction in a hospital and couldn't use his arms.''
''I agree,'' I tell her.
''I don't even butter my husband's toast, although I once did when he had the flu and said he couldn't move a hair.''
We're talking about the worst suggestion in the piece, this one: ''At the table be a little gishalike -- butter his roll, put the sugar alongside his coffee.''
Among the magazine's other tips:
''Pretend he's Henry Kissinger and you're Barbara Walters -- then interview him.''
''Don't be afraid to show a little leg or cleavage. He won't think you're a bimbo -- just very sexy.''
''Don't brag about your ancestors.''
''Order dessert -- a lusty appetite is sexy.''
''Encourage him to talk about his work. So what if you don't
know stocks from bonds -- could a little high-finance input hurt?''
First of all, I have never had a thing for Henry Kissinger, so I %% wouldn't even want to interview him, much less date him. Then I have never wanted to be Barbara Walters, although her salary sure looks good. I'd rather be Diane Sawyer.
And ''showing a little leg or cleavage''! If you do this on the first date, you ARE a bimbo.
And about dessert and being sexy. Well, I never knew a man who said he liked to see a date get fatter as she plunges into a mud pie with whipped cream, or strawberry shortcake. Yuk.
Now this is pretty sexist -- to pretend that you don't know about stocks and bonds, but he does.
Pammy says that's wrong and contrary to most modern women's credos and goals. Pammy, having been in stocks, and being a single dater, rules that advice bad news for even junior high dropouts. She says men like women with brains even if romance novels think differently.
Then there's ''Don't brag about your ancestors.''
Why not? Unless of course your name is Hussein.
Dern it, why does Cosmo give into the bimbo mind-set. The February issue has an article: ''Marrying Up Is Marrying Smart'' -- shame!
Listen, out there, you're a big girl, you can paddle your own canoe, drive your own car, butter your own roll and find a better date.