Can't program the VCR? Call Simon for $5

ROGER SIMON

January 28, 1991|By ROGER SIMON

Simon Says:

People who smoke pipes are incapable of making quick decisions.

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If this war leads to the drafting of Vanilla Ice, it wouldn't be all bad.

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I can't believe that 80 percent of the people who own VCRs do not know how to program them. For $5 and mileage, I'll come to your house and do it for you.

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You can't call yourself a cook until you've cleaned a fish.

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Does Mel Harris have the cutest nose on TV or what?

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Have you ever noticed how in books, as opposed to real life, no two people ever have the same first name?

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There is no middle ground when it comes to tomatoes. Either you love them or hate them.

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I can't believe I once owned a beanbag chair.

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Winter cold tip: Those tissues with lanolin or aloe in them do feel better. But don't try to clean your glasses with them.

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People who decide to mull over their entire financial history while standing at the automatic teller machine should be beaten with sticks.

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If Bo Jackson can keep it up, he's going to be a millionaire some day.

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Have you ever seen a sadder old movie than "The Browning Version"?

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It's hard to beat a good tractor pull.

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Three things one should never loan a friend unless you want to lose him are: a pen, a book, a power tool.

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Given all the attention to cholesterol, how come restaurants always put butter on the table and never margarine?

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I don't think I've ever been angrier than when I watched the Giants-49ers game last week and saw those Giant players kneeling on the sidelines in the last seconds of the game. Hundreds of thousands of people are risking their lives in the Mideast and they're praying for a field goal?

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Do kids still play jacks? Are double-downs still the hardest?

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People who put their feet up on the seats of the MARC trains should be thrown off at Halethorpe.

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If you put a little Cheez Whiz on it, caviar doesn't taste so bad.

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The popularity of air bags has nothing to do with safety. People just want to avoid those horrible motorized seat belts.

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Does anyone really know how to cut paper dolls?

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I think if we all get together and refuse, they won't be able to change Baltimore's area code to 410 this November.

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Doesn't the "Twin Peaks" craze seem really stupid now?

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Remember how last year the oil companies said they weren't making huge profits out of the Persian Gulf crisis? These figures just out: Last quarter earnings for Texaco, up 35 percent. For Mobil, up 46 percent. For Amoco, up 69 percent. That's enough to convince me to buy a battery-powered car.

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I don't believe anyone has ever used the timer on his dishwasher.

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If your hat has earflaps, you should probably re-examine your life.

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Why 29 cents to mail a letter? Why didn't they just raise it that extra penny and save us the math? If someone held a gun to my head and demanded that I quickly state what 25 29-cent stamps are going to cost, I'd have to tell him to shoot and get it over with.

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Newest status symbol: an unlisted fax number.

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If you really want to prove you're a feminist, send a guy flowers and don't feel embarrassed about it.

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