Animal revenge, contest loser and official's response


January 21, 1991|By ROGER SIMON

Letters, calls and the roar of the crowd:

Michael L. Brady, Baltimore: I couldn't believe the article you wrote in the paper regarding the deer, chickens, and other animals planning their retaliation against man. Are you for real?

Here we are on the brink of war, living in a recession, with real problems existing in the world and you come up with some insane article that I'm sorry I even wasted my time reading.

It's because of slop such as yours that I'm not a subscriber to the Sunpapers and probably never will be.

Consider yourself lucky to even be paid to write such useless and tasteless trash.

COMMENT: OK for you, Mike, but if a bunch of chickens pop out of the bushes and start pecking your legs, don't come running to me.


Joseph T. "Jody" Landers, III, Baltimore City Council, Baltimore: nTC Letter to Mr. Bill Reiley, Chief, Bureau of Collection. Dear Bill: Attached for your review is a copy of a letter which appeared in Roger Simon's column not long ago. The letter was directed to my attention by a constituent, who felt similarly offended by the practice mentioned in the article of listing spousal co-owners on the property tax bill as "WF."

I wonder how much of an additional expense or inconvenience would be incurred by the inclusion of the spouse's full name on the property record and the tax bill?

COMMENT: I am pleased to report that Councilman Landers has now received a reply to his letter stating that if any woman in Baltimore requests her name on the property records and tax bill, instead of being insultingly referred to as "WF," her name will be added.

I am displeased to note, however, the phrase "the letter was directed to my attention by a constituent" in Councilman Lander's original letter:

Does this mean that members of the City Council are not reading my columns themselves?

If I used smaller words, would that help?


Rayne G. Poussard, Severna Park: You sir are a nut! I truly found your column about Dutch Uncle Don's toned down inaugural bash a bit overdone . . . Does it serve us well to castigate the man? Why don't you don your propeller hat, put a dozen twists in your bow tie and sport a pair of knickers and be the Inaugural Event "Court Jester." Be a good little boy. Be grateful you were invited at all.

COMMENT: I wasn't. It turns out that they got me confused with Paul Simon, the U.S. Senator. This happens a lot. So let me clear this up:

Paul Simon is the geeky looking guy with big ears and a bow tie.

I don't have a bow tie.


Larry Kwiatkoski, Baltimore: As a contestant in your recent poetry contest, I feel that I must bring up this issue. One of the poets whose work was published as a winner did not follow the rules! If that piece of drivel, written by Johnathan J. Lewis of Los Angeles, is a limerick or haiku then I'm an Irishman.

Bad Roger. Baaaad! Of course, the fact that I did follow the rules, wrote a good poem, and didn't win, has absolutely nothing to do with me complaining. Of course.

P.S. How could Thor and Moe allow such a travesty of justice?

COMMENT: There were two problems with my 1990 poetry contest. By opening it up to a national audience, I got many more entries than I really could handle all alone. And Thor and Moe were of little help as they were meeting with their parole officers.

Larry Kwiatkoski is a fine poet who has come close to winning my contest in the past. In 1988, he composed this haiku on the Oriole's losing season:

Birds renowned at first;

The whole world watched -- then alas,

They had to win one.

And in 1989, asked to come up with a new motto for Maryland, he penned:

Motto comes to mind:

"Heaven is downy ocean"

Yeah, that's where it's at.

So what can I say? The guy's got talent, but as I keep telling people, it takes more than talent to win a contest. Bribery comes to mind, for instance.


George Sendall, Crisfield: Following are some of my recent musings:

* Read your horoscope a day late and see how accurate it was.

* People continually ask post office clerks how long it will take for a package to be delivered to, say, Redding, Calif. Why do we think they'd have the foggiest idea of the correct answer?

* I've lived in Crisfield for about 20 years and have seen the gradual disappearance of colorful expressions among the locals. Some of my favorites:

-- "Pshaw, he'd worry a tombstone."

-- "It's raining like a scud of woodpeckers."

-- "He never slowed, sheet nor tack."

COMMENT: Which just goes to show there are reasons to visit the Eastern Shore other than getting your chain saw sharpened.

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