Hide The Kids! Lock The Doors! Polisar Is Singing!


Strange Lyrics Put Some Noses Out Of Joint

January 15, 1991|By Candy Thomson

Excuse me for a minute, I'm trying to get my finger out of my nose.

You see, it all happened after I heard Barry Louis Polisar sing some of those darn songs of his.

The guy's a menace.

I mean, I never had the urge to stick my fingers up my nose until that blasted folk singer gave me the idea. Sure, he urged us, "Don't stick your finger up your nose," in the song of the same name. But why did he even have to put the idea in my head? I never would have thought of it myself. Now I just can't stop. Thumbs, pinkies, you name it.

Same thing with my sister, rest her soul. I never, ever would have thought of sauteing her if Polisar hadn'tsung, "Never Cook Your Sister in a Frying Pan." Honest.

Good thing I have only that one sister. Had, I mean.

I should have listenedto that county schools review committee, but no, I had to snicker --sneer -- at the efforts of those fine keepers of decency.

I had to argue something about him being a harmless kiddie entertainer. I may have even muttered something about the First Amendment. Silly me.

Now look where I am. A social outcast facing life without parole.

But, hey, let's look at the bright side. The review committee's gagging of Polisar has saved thousands of bright-eyed kids from a fate such as mine.

Because of the committee's diligence, everything about Polisar -- his songs, his books, his beard -- are verboten in the county's schools.

And it's a darned good thing, too. Else we'd havea bunch of kids running around with their fingers up their noses trying to baste their brothers.

Just who does this Polisar guy think he is, anyway? A coupla gigs at the Kennedy Center and the Smithsonian gets him brownie points? One of his songs has been performed on Sesame Street? Big poop! Anything qualifies as legitimate music these days. The Madonna video made it on "Nightline."

He doesn't even livearound here, for Pete's sake.

Now Polisar has a lawyer -- who doesn't? And he's threatening to sue the school board -- who isn't?

The school board's lawyer says he's been trying to "lower the volume alittle on this thing."

He ought to let the review committee members work on it; they lowered Polisar's volume a whole bunch. Now he's barely a whisper. Heh, heh, heh.

Polisar keeps talking about censorshipxzqsbnh**##*. . . .

Excuse me, my finger just began moving toward my nose. I've got it under control now.

Anyway, this Polisar keeps talking about censorship. Hey, he can go stand in the median ofRitchie Highway and screech his lungs out. Who's gonna stop him?

On second thought, someone might mistake him for a supporter of John Leopold and start another round of county elections. Can't have that.Nossir.

So let Polisar go sing in the Millersville landfill or atthe end of runway 15R at BWI.

We simply can't let a man like this contaminate*#$$ %% ma.

Sorry, it was that finger thing again.

Polisar told a reporter: "I'm fighting because I think it's ridiculousthat in this day and age people are getting offended about this kindof song. It would be different if it was something that I did that was offensive."

Hah! He should meet my sister. Talk about offended.

I hope the school board sticks to its guns and bans Polisar and his beard. And why stop with him?

How about those Muppet things? And Chadwick the Crab? And that Seuss guy. He isn't even a doctor.

Let's start educating kids and stop entertaining them. They should learn early that life isn't fun.

Believe me, I nose.


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