The Year Of Noriega, Kuwait And Broccoli

TO WIT

January 06, 1991|By Dave Barry

Presenting . . . Dave Barry's annual Year in Review column.

JANUARY

1. The New Year begins on a hopeful note as joyous freedom-loving Germans tear down the Berlin Wall.

2. Joyous freedom-loving Germans hastily rebuild the Berlin Walafter discovering that it contains a major sewer line.

4. In Panama, strongman Manuel Noriega is arrested on drug charges after a "sting" operation in which he was videotaped smoking crack cocaine in an apartment with 27,000 undercover U.S. troops.

FEBRUARY

6. Experts announce that cleaning up the savings-and-loan mess will require every man, woman and child in the United States to pay $100,000, plus a 15 percent gratuity.

19. Professional baseball's spring training is canceled, posing a grave threat to the nation's spit supply.

MARCH

30. The U.S. Postal Service, which loses $4 million a day, announces that it must raise the price of a first-class stamp to 30 cents so it can pay for all those TV commercials telling you how efficient it is.

31. President Bush compares broccoli to Hitler.

...APRIL

1. The U.S. Census Bureau mails out 100 million census forms, million of which are addressed to a single household in Albany, N.Y.

10. Donald Trump, fueling rumors that his financial empire is in trouble, stars in a "No Excuses" jeans commercial.

MAY

3. The Soviet Politburo, in a major step toward developing a Western-style economy, accepts $135,000 from banker Charles Keating.

9. The "multiple personality" legal defense is ruled to be constitutional by the Supreme Court, in a 137-76 vote.

JUNE

25. A shocked President Bush reveals that he has discovered a large federal budget deficit, and taxes might have to be increased after all. Everyone is just stunned.

27. NASA begins to suspect that there might be a little problem with the $1.5 billion Hubble Space Telescope when it starts transmitting extreme close-up photographs of a sticker that says "Remove this sticker before launching telescope."

JULY

22. NASA, hoping to salvage the Hubble Space Telescope project, announces plans to launch Rex, the $1.1 billion Seeing-Eye Satellite.

27. The PGA announces that it will no longer hold golf tournaments at country clubs that own slaves.

30. Major League Baseball Commissioner Fay Vincent, exercising his authority to protect the best interests of baseball, has George Steinbrenner fed to weasels.

AUGUST

1. Iraq invades Kuwait, setting off worldwide panic as thousands oil-company executives pour into Ferrari dealerships.

3. Experts announce that cleaning up the savings-and-loan mess will require every man, woman and child in the United States to donate "at least one kidney."

8. A massive multinational buildup gets under way in the Persian Gulf, with the United States providing troops, ships, planes, weapons and huge quantities of supplies; Western Europe providing potato salad; and Japan chipping in with some nice sun visors.

SEPTEMBER

7. Neil Bush indignantly denies allegations that his being George Bush's son had anything to do with the fact that he was named admiral of the U.S. Seventh Fleet.

14. Concern is once again focused on the quality of American schools when the U.S. education secretary releases a report that turns out to have been copied verbatim from the interior secretary's report on offshore drilling.

OCTOBER

2. President Bush compares Saddam Hussein to broccoli.

3. After 45 bitter years of separation, East and West Germany unite to form a single nation, chastened by the past, hopeful for the future.

4. Germany invades Poland.

20. Mikhail Gorbachev wins the Nobel Prize for Best Bald Male Vocal.

NOVEMBER

6. In midterm elections, the voters, clearly fed up with the incompetence, corruption and rampant hypocrisy of the incumbents, re-elect them.

8. President Bush, reinforcing the American commitment to remain in the Persian Gulf until the job is done, orders an additional 250,000 high-level White House aides to come up with the real reason that we are there.

27. Britain forms an entirely new government in roughly the amount of time it takes the U.S. Congress to declare National Celery Month.

DECEMBER

1. The U.S. Commerce Department, denying claims by some economists that the nation has entered a recession, quietly sells its furniture.

25. Manuel Noriega wins the Florida lottery.

27. The "Keating Five" rob a liquor store.

31. Experts announce that cleaning up the savings-and-loan mess will require the obliteration of all life on the planet. So there is a silver lining after all. *

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