HI, I'M DODGERS manager Tommy Lasorda and here's a picture of me taken just a few short months ago. Pretty gross, huh? Look at that gut! Geez, put a shirt on! Is that enough to make you sick or what?
But that's all changed thanks to Ultra Trim Fast. Now I look great and feel terrific. Well, not too bad. I have my ups and downs, which is understandable when you lose 87 pounds in eight days or whatever.
"How does the program work? With Ultra Trim Fast, I have a delicious shake for breakfast and another for lunch, then a sensible meal for dinner -- large pepperoni pizza and a pint of Breyer's chocolate sounds about right. Ha, ha, just a little diet humor there.
"Actually dinner is a child's portion of chicken, boiled potato and a few string beans, which I wolf down in about 20 seconds.
"But I look great and feel terrific. Well, not too bad. Once we get the blood pressure back up and my hands stop trembling, things should really . . .
"The point is, Ultra Trim Fast really works! Which is why I travel all around the country now, telling folks about this marvelous new way to lose weight.
"But, y'know, some of you folks are sort of, well, STUPID. You keep nagging me with all these ridiculous questions about the program.
"'Has it been proven effective?' 'Is it safe?' 'If I drink this stuff, will I end up writhing in pain on the kitchen floor before being rushed to the hospital to have my stomach pumped?'
"To which I respond: 'Hey, how should I know?! I'm a baseball manager, not a doctor! I just read the cue cards, OK?'
"But here are some other questions about Ultra Trim Fast commonly asked of me, Tommy Lasorda:
1 -- Timmy, does Ultra Trim Fast really work?
"First of all, the name's TOMMY, OK? And is there an echo in here? I just SAID it really works, didn't I?
"When I started the program, I weighed something like 246 pounds. That was on a Tuesday, I believe. By Wednesday, I was down to 210. And a week later -- bingo -- 175 right on the button.
"Does that add up to 87 pounds lost? I was never very good at math."
2 -- But, Timmy, don't you get hungry with just a powdered drink for breakfast and lunch?
"Uh, it's Tommy. Maybe you ought to write that down. Y'know, you remind me of a first baseman we used to have, big, dumb SOB by the name of . . . well, never mind. Kept missing the bunt sign, I remember.
"Now, do I ever get hungry with Ultra Trim Fast? Hell, yes. I won't lie to you. We're not talking about a meatball Parmesan sandwich here. I get so freaking hungry I once stabbed a man in the front row at Dodger Stadium for his hot dog, although that's between you and me.
"But I've also learned some tricks to control my appetite. For instance, when I get really hungry, I lock myself in the trunk of my car so as to stay away from food.
"Then just before I'm about to pass out from lack of oxygen, I rap on the inside of the trunk with a jack handle, which is the signal for my wife Lucille to let me out.
"Sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't. Lucille's funny that way. Has a bit of a mean streak in her. Helps to catch her in a good mood, is what I'm saying.
"When she uses the car to run errands -- Thursdays can really be rough, that's when she gets her hair done and volunteers at the senior citizens center -- forget about it! I could be curled up next to the spare tire for 6, 7 hours.
"But at least MY spare tire is getting smaller, if you catch my drift."
3 -- Timmy, won't I gain all the weight back when I stop using Ultra Trim Fast?
"Hey, how should I know?! Who do I look like, Jeanne Dixon?! You could be hit by a bus tomorrow! You could be walking on the sidewalk and a cinder block could drop 25 stories onto your head!
"There are no guarantees in life, pal!
"But, yes, occasionally you hear of someone who stops using Ultra Trim Fast and gains 66 pounds in, oh, a few hours. Still, the Ultra Trim Fast people assure me that these are isolated cases, which can be blamed on metabolism problems or repeated visits to the breakfast bar at Bob's Big Boy.
"To be on the safe side, they recommend that once you begin using Ultra Trim Fast, you continue using it until you die.
"Which might be any minute if you keep calling me Timmy."