A flurry of panic? Please stay cool: The doctor is in

Ask Dr. Columnist, hello?

"Is this Dr. Columnist?"

Yes, it is. The meter is running. Go ahead with your problem.

"I'm calling from my car phone. I'm stuck on the JFX."

I'm sorry, but Dr. Columnist deals only with deep-seated emotional and psychological problems. If you need a tow, call the AAA. They'll send a tow truck. From Frederick.

"No, no, my car isn't stuck. I'm stuck. I'm afraid to drive away."

Why is that?

"The snow."

But the snow is gone. It's all melted. Your problem is solved. That will be $40, please. And Dr. Columnist thanks you.

"I know the snow is gone. But I'm still afraid. I've been sitting here by the side of the road since the big snowstorm last Thursday."

You've been living in your car for almost a week?

"Yes. But it's not so bad. I have both AM and FM."

But what have you been doing for food?

"Oh, that's no problem. The back seat is full of Ho-Hos, Ding-Dongs and Twinkies."

The three essential food groups.

"Four if you count the Doritos in the trunk."

Do you always hoard food like this?

"Just in the winter."

I think I can guess where you were born.

"Yes. Of course. In Baltimore. The City That Hoards."

But don't you realize that hoarding hurts others? If you buy up all the Doritos, what are other people going to eat?

"Cheez Doodles?"

That's very considerate of you.

"I try."

Look, you are clearly a case for Ask Dr. Columnist. And I'm going to help you. But I really think you should come into my office.

"You got a couch and everything just like a real shrink?"

Well, I couldn't afford a couch. But I have an Army surplus cot. And instead of those little doilies for under each patient's head, I use bar coasters.

"Very chic."

Patients appreciate the little things.

"So you're a psychiatrist as well as a columnist?"

Well, not exactly. But I find a lot of people don't need a real psychiatrist for their problems just like they don't need a real plumber every time their sink backs up."

"You mean you use Drano on people?"

No, but I give them good advice and I charge them $75 an hour.

"What's the difference between that and a real psychiatrist?"

About $100 an hour.

"Well, I guess maybe you can help me. See, I was at work downtown last week and it started snowing real hard in the late afternoon."