Guys and girls go home with different thoughts

Judy Markey

December 19, 1990|By Judy Markey | Judy Markey,United Feature Syndicate

THIS IS ABOUT head games and how guys do them ever so differently from girls.

For instance. Boy goes to party. Girl goes to party. Boy and girl meet. Boy and girl exchange small talk. Then boy and girl exchange medium talk. Finally boy and girl exchange phone numbers. Boy returns home. Girl returns home.

Head games begin.

Let us look, then, at what goes on in the guy's head first. Because guys don't just come home from a moment like this, collapse into bed with one last brewski, and, like some big dumb lummox, never give the woman a second thought. No siree. This is the '90s. And in the past 25 years, men have changed immensely. We have come to know that men are creatures of great sensitivity. That men are gentle souls who often wrestle with great insecurities and myriad vulnerabilities. So you can rest assured that your average guy will come home from a meaningful encounter like this and have many tender, sweet and complicated thoughts. Thoughts too numerous to list here, but which basically boil down to the following:

* I hope she won't say no if I ask her out, and hey -- I wonder what she looks like naked.

* She really did seem to know a lot about hockey, and hey -- I wonder what she looks like naked.

* She sure seemed to love the old gorilla joke, and hey -- I wonder what that gorilla looks like naked.

So much for guy head games.

Girls, on the other hand, approach head games somewhat differently. For starters, your average girl will leave the party, and before she even sets foot in the elevator, she starts thinking stationery. Should it say Mr. and Mrs. Marty Plotkin, Jane and Marty Plotkin, or just The Plotkins? Then, of course, the average girl gets a hold of herself. She will say to herself, "Self, this is silly. He hasn't even asked me out yet. So back up."

The main place the average girl will back up to then is caterers. It's just not that easy to find a good caterer these days, and it wouldn't be a bad idea to start making some calls. Usually, she will have jotted down about 12 numbers by the time the elevator hits the ground floor.

Once she gets into the cab, the average girl knows it really is time to deal head-on with some of the more substantive issues. Will the kids have his eyes or hers? Those glasses are darling on him, but on girl twins? Can he carve a turkey? What about the mother-in-law situation, didn't he say something about her living only a block away? And does he have to attend EVERY hockey game just because he has season tickets, or could he stay home once in a while so maybe, just maybe, she could get out? And my God, does he have to ruin every holiday with that stupid gorilla joke?

By the time the cab reaches her place, the tension level is pretty high. After all, it's pretty clear what's going on when the guy starts showing up late for dinner three nights a week. Not to mention the way he's been drinking of late. Yes, it's pretty clear that she has to make some real serious life choices.

Thus, by the time that the average girl gets home, she is pretty wiped out. I mean, this whole thing has been truly draining. So she crawls into bed, and she cries herself to sleep listening to the mournful strains of Waylon Jennings.

Everybody knows all the best divorces happen to country music.

Baltimore Sun Articles
Please note the green-lined linked article text has been applied commercially without any involvement from our newsroom editors, reporters or any other editorial staff.