Procrastinators sometimes finish ahead of game

ROGER SIMON

December 17, 1990|By ROGER SIMON

Simon Says:

The jerk down the street who never took down his Christmas lights last year is looking pretty smart right now.

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;)

Has anyone ever really said: "Ahem"?

Let me get this straight: The Saudis won't let our troops wear American flag patches on their uniforms, won't let them hoist the American flag, are able to censor what magazines they get, can determine sexist rules of behavior for our women soldiers and can decide who gets to visit the troops and who can't.

Do you think maybe we should let the Saudis defend their own oil next time?

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The fires I see in movie fireplaces are always better than the fires see in my fireplace. They must use special wood.

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Whatever happened to the Smith Bros. Wild Cherry flavored cough drops? They were the only thing that worked for me.

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It's really shortsighted to be smug or even happy about laying off state workers. I hear some people say: "What's so special about public employees? How come they think they have a job for life?" The point is, however, that 1,800 more Marylanders without paychecks is just going to devastate the economy of this state even further. We should cut pet projects before we cut people.

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3!

Is Martha Quinn hot or what?

Although Americans eat 3.6 cans of Spam every second, I have never met a person who was willing to admit to it.

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Advice to guys for that last-minute holiday shopping: Women don't like kitchen appliances nearly as much as you think.

Advice to women for that last-minute holiday shopping: Guys don't like funny underwear nearly as much as you think.

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People who are probably nice in person: John Goodman, Ed Begley Jr., Jessica Lange, Fred Savage, Beau Bridges, Meg Ryan, Tom Hanks and Shelley Fabares.

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I've never heard a barbershop quartet I could stand for more than five minutes.

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They may not like to say it, but most people are scared to death those glass-enclosed hotel elevators.

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Have you ever been on an Amtrak train in winter that wasn't ferociously overheated?

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Danger Sign No. 7 of Marriages That Won't Last: You can't decide who gets to leave the message on the answering machine, so you record one together.

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So Bill Bennett declines to serve his party and uses as his excuse that he doesn't want to give up lucrative book contracts and speaking fees.

Gee, that ought to sound really nice when he gets ready to run for public office.

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Don't you just hate it when you get on an airplane and the overhead bins are filled with the crew's luggage?

Nothing looks sillier than a man whose hat is too small. (Unless too large.)

A/

Does anybody still read Sherwood Anderson?

How come Pluto and Goofy are both dogs, but Goofy can speak and Pluto can't?

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I'm one of the few people I know who actually likes the sound of bagpipes.

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Does anyone still use shoe trees? Wouldn't it be easier just to keep your shoes on all the time?

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It's official: The 1990 census reveals that everybody in America has seen "It's a Wonderful Life" at least twice.

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Sign in a deli that took me all day to figure out: "Keep Your Bagels Safe, Put Locks On Them."

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K9

Is "Dallas" still on the air? Does anybody know why?

I know people give them, but does anyone actually eat fruitcake? But don't throw them out: I hear they're good for propping up your car if you need to change a tire.)

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Is it true the circus people hate carnival people and vice versa? there anything I can do?

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At the end of the Australian film "The Lighthorsemen," there is a notice that reads: "No horses were killed or injured making this movie." It would be nice to see that on American movies.

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There is no commercial on the air more annoying than the Sports Illustrated "Football Phone" ad.

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People who go around pointing out that the decade of the '80s didn't really end last year but ends this year should be beaten

with sticks.

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Another million-dollar idea I am giving away for free: A washer/dryer in one machine, so you don't have to transfer the clothes.

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I think some generals might want war in the Persian Gulf just to find out if their weapons systems really work.

Am I the only one who thinks "Valmont" was 10 times better than Dangerous Liaisons"?

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Worst joke of 1990: Did you hear that one of the California raisins was murdered? It was a cereal killer.

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