Sequels, updated to take current events...

HOLLYWOOD LOVES

December 08, 1990|By THEO LIPPMAN JR.

HOLLYWOOD LOVES sequels, updated to take current events and trends into account. I can't wait to see "From Here to Eternity II."

Schofield Barracks, Hawaii, 1990. First Sgt Milt Warden is talking to the men of Compny G.

"Awright, you dogfaces, we got an alert here! Were shippin out to Saudi Arabia any day now! Sos you better start havin fun tonight! Dismiss!"

Pvt Angelo Maggio sez to his buddy Pvt Robert E. Lee Prewitt, "I dont like the sound of this, Prew."

Prewitt sez to Warden, "Wait a minute, Top Sargint, what are we gonna be doin in Saudi Arabia? This aint no combat mission is it?"

"It could be, soljer, it could be! Whats th matter, afraid of gettin your dress khakis mussed up?"

"It aint that, Top. I can soljer with th best of them. But I dint join th army to fight nobody."

"Yeah, Warden," sez Maggio. "Me neither. You rilly think this could end up in a shootin war?"

"Of course there could be a shootin war! What did you sissies think you wuz gettin into when you enlisted?" Warden hollers.

Capt Holmes enters. "Whats goin on here Sargint?"

"Some of th men dont want to fight, sir!" sez Warden.

Holmes sez to Warden, "Okay, sargint, I know who the troublemaker is. Lets make an example of Prewitt. Give him 'Th Treatment.' "

That night at th New Congress Hotel Maggio sez to Prew as they are drinkin with Mrs. Kipfer and Prew's girl Lorene, "Prew, it aint fair to give you 'Th Treatment' jus because you dont want to fight."

"Whats 'Th Treatment'?" asks Lorene.

"Aw, dont worry about it," sez Prewitt. "I can take anythin they can dish out. Im a 30-year-man."

Maggio sez, "Its awful. All th corprls treat you mean, make you do extra KP, stuff like that."

"They caint do that, thats against the law," sez Lorene, prostitute by night, ACLU lawyer by day.

The next day, Cprl Galovitch is forcing Prewitt to wash out a garbage can for th third straight time. Lorene arrives at Compny G headquarters with a writ. "Sargint Warden, you have to take Prewitt off th fatigue detail immediately. I have a court order here. You caint give a man extra duty jus because he dont want to fight. 'Th Treatment' is a violation of th First, Fifth and Eighth Amendments to th Constitution."

Warden explodes. "Whats this govmint comin to? Wait till th Old Man hears about this!" He turns to Prewitt. "Whyd you enlist in this man's army anyway? I thought you wuz a 30-year-man!"

"I am, Top. But th recruitin officer never said nothin about fightin. Alls I wanted wuz bugle lessons."

"Okay," sez Warden, "were goin to leave you here, Prewitt, but th rest of you dogsoljers, start packin, were off to Saudi Arabia!"

"Sorry, sargint," says Lorene with a smile, taking another court order from her handbag. "Unless and until Congress declares war, this compny aint goin nowhere."

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