Whereas & Whatfor Supportive of Democratic Principles

Rick Horowitz

December 02, 1990|By Rick Horowitz

WHEREAS the Security Council of the United Nations has enacted a series of resolutions in response to Iraq's invasion of Kuwait; and

WHEREAS the Security Council has repeatedly reaffirmed these resolutions and called upon the Government of Iraq to end its occupation of Kuwait immediately; and

WHEREAS the Government of Iraq has treated these resolutions like fertilizer; and

WHEREAS the Security Council strongly endorses the restoration of human rights to the people of Kuwait, whoever they are; and

WHEREAS the members of the Security Council have talked themselves blue in the face for months; and

WHEREAS some of us have hundreds of thousands of troops sitting in the desert bored out of their skulls; and

WHEREAS we're tired of seeing that bozo Saddam Hussein on television every night; and

FURTHERMORE, WHEREAS THE SECURITY COUNCIL IS

MINDFUL of its duties and responsibilities under the United Nations Charter to maintain and preserve international peace and security;

COMMITTED to just and equitable solutions to disputes among member nations;

TICKED OFF that we didn't even have a chance to celebrate the end of the Cold War before something else started up;

TRYING TO FIGURE OUT how many frequent flier miles Jim Baker and Eduard Shevardnadze have earned lately; and

WONDERING what the world has come to when we need the support of the Ivory Coast before we can invade Iraq; and

FURTHERMORE, WHEREAS THE SECURITY COUNCIL IS

CONCERNED about the welfare of innocent citizens still being held hostage in Iraq and Kuwait;

DETERMINED to ensure the economic viability of the industrialized world and an uninterrupted supply of both Regular and Super-Unleaded;

PROTECTIVE of jobs in certain countries (we're not naming names) that might be sliding into recession any day now;

SUPPORTIVE of democratic principles wherever they are threatened (except in certain other countries we can't afford to mention -- but hey, we can't afford a veto either, and anyway, if Jim Baker wants to invite the Chinese foreign minister to visit Washington as soon as we're done here, he must know what he's doing, right?);

ALARMED by the prospect of Iraq acquiring nuclear weapons, so long as enough of the American people tell the opinion polls they're alarmed about it first;

MAD AS HELL and not going to take it anymore; and

READY to come up with an entirely new rationale at a moment's notice;

THEREFORE, THE SECURITY COUNCIL SOLEMNLY

DECLARES that we really mean it this time;

DEMANDS once again that the Government of Iraq fully comply with all Security Council resolutions regarding its invasion and occupation of Kuwait;

GRANTS the Government of Iraq one final opportunity, as a pause that refreshes, to do so before we really get worked up;

AUTHORIZES member states to use all necessary means (do we have to spell it out for you?) to implement these resolutions if Iraq has not withdrawn from Kuwait by January 15, or possibly February 1, or even -- don't hold us to this -- a few days after that, depending on what's happening over there and who's actually willing to pull the trigger when push comes to shove, assuming we can decide who should be in charge of all the troops and what language everybody speaks, but certainly before Ramadan, and not during the winter, when it drizzles, or the summer, when it sizzles; and

WISHES the whole thing would just go away.

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