For these things, and many others, try to be thankful


November 20, 1990|By MICHAEL OLESKER

So many things for which to give thanks, and so little time to do it.

What, again?

Yes, again!

It's time for this column's 15th annual list of Things to Be Thankful For in Baltimore, brought to you two days before Thanksgiving this year in order to get everyone into the proper (that is: thankful, with a sarcastic overlay) mood.

To wit:

Be thankful you're not the one who told Dennis Rasmussen, ''You need to spruce up your image a little. Get some new suits and some monogrammed shirts. And why not get yourself a new car? A Lincoln would be nice.''

Be thankful Eli Jacobs is saving money by carefully paying his Orioles the lowest salaries in baseball. Sure, the team will be overmatched a lot, but the generous Jacobs is thinking of the fun we'll have rooting for his accountants.

Be thankful Harry Weinberg and his son never particularly hit it off. (Poor people thank him a billion.)

Be thankful you're not the father who told his son a few years ago, ''Go ahead and join the reserves. It's a cushy job, and you get a few hundred bucks a month for hanging out in an air-conditioned armory.''

Be thankful you never told Gov. William Donald Schaefer, ''Can't I do it later?''

Be thankful Glamour magazine put Sen. Barbara Mikulski and Madonna on their list of America's 10 most fabulous women. Mikulski's the one holding the flag. Madonna's the one wearing it.

Be thankful they weren't creating a Kodak Moment if you were the first student getting free condoms at a Baltimore public school.

Be thankful that new state roads make it easier than ever to reach Ocean City. If you leave right now, you can still get there before the beach erodes all the way to Salisbury. (Come to think of it, it'll cut your travel time by another 45 minutes.)

Be thankful you didn't tell Elizabeth Bobo, ''You're worried about this guy Charles Ecker? Forget it. Nobody's even heard of the bum.''

Be thankful crabs aren't in season. You can use the extra money to pay your gas and electric bill this winter.

Be thankful you're not a policeman hot on the digestive tract of the suspect who allegedly swallowed two stolen diamond rings in Annapolis. How would you like to be on that little search party?

Be thankful if your daughter's working her way through school. Don't be thankful if she's doing it at Body Talk . . . as a bouncer.

Be thankful you're not the one who told Equitable Bank's board of directors, ''Why don't we merge with Maryland National? It'll strengthen our banking position across the state.''

Be thankful you didn't tell Roland Hemond, ''Let's get slugger Ron Kittle.'' Be unthankful you didn't tell him, ''Don't you have any phone numbers besides the Chicago White Sox?''

Be thankful you didn't tell Milli Vanilli, ''Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.''

Be thankful Marylanders elected three Republican county executives. Even if you don't know their names, it's nice to have a suggestion of a two-party system around here.

Be thankful you didn't tell Zach Toungate, the 8-year-old in Texas isolated by school officials because of a thin pony tail, ''Always remember,it's OK to be different.''

Be thankful they cut more carefully during surgery at Sinai Hospital than they do at budget time with their work force.

Be thankful you didn't just have 600 new business cards printed with your 301 area code. C&P says half of us will have our fingers dialing a new one starting next fall.

Be thankful the Colts are 4 and 6. Even though they're not our team any more, it's nice to know somebody's miserable about them.

Be thankful Mayor Kurt Schmoke's proposing a 4 percent property tax cap. Sure, it's an election-year ploy, but isn't it nice to get a break every four years?

Be thankful the state wants to have a list of 280 endangered species. Start to get worried if they put politicus incumbentus on it.

Be thankful we still have one more year to visit our memories at Memorial Stadium.

Be thankful, during the last gubernatorial election, that William Donald Schaefer didn't try to change the words to the ancient prayer: ''The lord is my Shepard . . .''

Be thankful Baltimore residents are sending books to U.S. troops in Saudi Arabia. Let's hope they have lots of time to read them before the book is closed on peace.

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