You just can't beat Schaefer, or the music of 'South Pacific'

ROGER SIMON

November 11, 1990|By ROGER SIMON

Simon Says:

Does anyone still wear a nightcap? Not drink one, wear one.

*

People will eat Neapolitan ice cream, but it's nobody's favorite.

*

Because of his entirely adequate but somewhat unexciting victory margin on Tuesday, William Donald Schaefer may have to seek another office after he leaves the governorship just to show he can still crush those who dare to run against him.

*

You can have "Les Miserables" and "Phantom of the Opera." For a musical that makes you leave the theater singing the songs, you still can't beat "South Pacific."

*

Since our high schools have spotty records at dispensing good sense, restraint and self-control, we might as well let them dispense condoms.

*

People who sit at home and screen calls on their answering machines should be beaten with sticks.

*

If you really want to embarrass a guy, tell him he wears his pants too high.

*

George Bush's Worst Nightmare, No. 1: Conflict in the Persian Gulf forces him to call for the re-instatement of the military draft just as he prepares to run for re-election.

*

Is there an actor today who is the equal of Jose Ferrar in his prime?

* The only thing worse than CBS' commentary during the World Series was its camera work.

*

If you want to see Kyle MacLachlan of "Twin Peaks" when he was really strange, go rent "Dune."

*

The good news is that one of America's latest fads, the disposable fountain pen, works very well. I've been writing with one for weeks. The bad news is, what happens when we throw them away and they fill up the landfills? Do we shoot them into space?

*

A Real Life Conversation:

Me: "So how old is John now?"

Nancy: "Eleven."

Me: "So he's about two years away from wanting to get an earring?"

Nancy: "No, he's started talking about it already."

Me: "You going to let him?"

Nancy: "Well, we've decided not to put up too big a fuss when the showdown comes."

Me: "That's very progressive of you."

Nancy: "We didn't have much of a choice. His math teacher wears one."

*

The End of the World As We Know It: Dick Clark is actually beginning to age. (He looks about 40.)

*

I dislike fortune cookies that don't sound sincere.

*

So how many of you forgot to open the flue when you lit the first fire of the year? Yeah, that's what I

thought.

*

If Israel hadn't blown up the Baghdad nuclear reactor on June 7, 1981 -- for which Israel was widely criticized -- Saddam Hussein would be threatening our forces and the Saudi oil fields with nuclear bombs right now.

*

I don't know why I think so, but I'll bet you Burt Reynolds is a genuinely nice guy.

*

Used to those new high gas prices already, aren't you? In fact, it's hard to remember what you were paying just a month ago, isn't it? Which is why gas prices will never come back down.

*

If the citizens of Washington were so upset over Marion Barry's six-month prison sentence, how come they didn't elect him to office? Could it be they really thought justice was done?

*

I can't remember the last time I've seen a good sword swallower.

*

Things That Seemed Like A Real Good Idea At the Time But Now You've Got to Wonder: home equity loans.

*

The thing I don't understand in the current dispute over who gets to sell the revolver that Jack Ruby used to kill Lee Harvey Oswald is who would be sick enough to buy it?

*

Contrary to popular belief, most men would not like to carve the tur key on Thanksgiving. They just feel they have to.

*

I think I'd rather have German troops on the border of Kuwait than on the border of Poland.

*

Major snowstorm by Christmas. Start hoarding plum pudding now.

*

George Bush's Worst Nightmare, No. 2: Noticing that the United States has stripped its home combat forces to send them to the Persian Gulf, Canada and Mexico invade.

*

There is no reason that people should not be able to vote by phone or ATM machine. The technology exists to make it as fraud-free as any other method. If we really want more people to vote, we are going to have to make it more convenient.

*

I don't care what anyone says: A lot of movies today would be much more powerful if they were filmed in black and white.

*

Call me old-fashioned, but I think Halloween was a lot more fun when you didn't have to X-ray the candy.

*

As yet another sign of increasing tensions in the world, the United Airlines gate attendants at BWI no longer believe you when you say you have a Premier card. Now, you must show it before you board early. Rumor has it that anyone failing to show his card three times in a row gets dragged behind the plane.

*

Hotels that don't empty the old water from the ice bucket each night are unworthy of your patronage.

*

Forget all those fancy teas with cute names. Nothing beats plain old orange pekoe.

*

I do not understand the concept of white chocolate.

*

A product that actually has improved over the years: bandages.

*

Thank goodness pro basketball is back. It seems like hours since it's been gone.

*

You know you're in an old barber shop if they still have bottles of lilac water.

*

There are only two kinds of people in this world: those who dream all their lives about going on a cruise ship and those who wouldn't be caught dead on one. They always marry each other.

Baltimore Sun Articles
|
|
|
Please note the green-lined linked article text has been applied commercially without any involvement from our newsroom editors, reporters or any other editorial staff.