. . . But not for these clowns

William A. Harper

November 05, 1990|By William A. Harper

HERE are some don'ts for those still confused when they enter the voting booth tomorrow. They are not divinely inspired, just good old downstate Delaware common sense.

The guide is based on careful study of a body, Congress, that has voted itself fat salary increases while the country drowns in a monstrous ocean of debt, a bunch of clowns who sit on their hands while The George leads us toward war. Not a pretty picture. Here are the don'ts:

* Don't vote for anyone by the name of Newt. Especially if the last name is Gingrich.

* Don't vote for anyone who has been in Congress for more than 20 years. Robert Byrd has been there for 30-plus, and West Virginia stands about where it did when he hit Washington -- at the bottom of the heap in employment, health services, education and general well-being.

* Don't vote for any candidate who goes home every day or even once a week. Like Joe Biden of Delaware. He spends more time on the road than in either Delaware or Washington. (Maybe he thinks Delaware is a suburb of D.C.)

* Don't vote for any congressman who denies rumors of having had a romantic relationship with Marla Maples. Rep. Tom McMillen of Maryland said there was no hanky-panky when Maples shared his condo in Atlanta, which marked him as a wimp in a poll I conducted at the Bonfire Bar and Grill in Ocean City.

* Don't vote for anyone who thinks Idaho is Iowa, or vice versa. Sen. Ted Kennedy of Massachusetts thinks Idaho is a stripteaser.

* Don't vote for anyone who spends taxpayers' money traveling to visit the troops in the Middle East. Did our fighting men and women get a charge out of the sight of Sen. Paul Sarbanes, and did Sarbanes learn anything very useful that the Defense Department didn't want him to know or that he couldn't have gotten out of The Evening Sun?

* Don't vote for anyone who is over 150 years old. That rules out the likes of Sen. Strom Thurmond of South Carolina.

* Don't vote for anyone who sucks up more than three martinis or six Buds a day. There's enough wooziness up there without a bunch of drunks trying to take care of congressional business.

* Don't vote for a Jessecrat, either the Jesse who promotes anything that would aid minorities and help alleviate racism or the Jesse who is all talk and no action.

* Don't vote for anyone who accepts more than $10 and change for an honorarium, especially someone like Sen. John Warner of Virginia. You know he's got nothing to sell but his vote.

* Don't vote for anyone who is a Democrat.

* Don't vote for anyone who is a Republican.

That about covers the don't list. I am pleased to note that this handy guide rules out just about everybody now in office -- which will make the voting process much easier. Just don't vote for an incumbent. Make it a clean sweep.

William A. Harper is a communication specialist. He writes from Fenwick Island, Del.

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