Iron Mike in an iron suit
Mike Ditka, coach of the Bears, appears on a horse wearing a suit of armor in a new commercial.
He hobbles off the horse on his bad hip, takes the helmet off and announces that he's The Protector.
The ad is for a rustproofing company.
Maybe his old coach, Tom Landry, could jump out of a suitcase and have a duel with him.
Here comes the groom
When Tony Mandarich of the Packers married Amber LynLigon at St. Francis Xavier Cathedral in downtown Green Bay last week, police turned away parishioners who weren't invited.
One parishioner said: "You can't go to church when you want to. Ain't that something?"
When the parishioner was asked if he knew who was getting married, he said: "I do now."
What about basketball?
Jerome Brown, a defensive lineman with the Eagles, complained when NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue assessed Brown's teammate Andre Waters a $10,000 fine for going at the knees of Vikings quarterback Rich Gannon.
Brown said: "He hasn't ever, never played a down in his life. How does he get off taking money from Andre? He hasn't ever hit anyone."
Tagliabue did play basketball at Georgetown and wore No. 33 before Patrick Ewing did.
Jill Parcells, 21, a senior at Gettysburg College, may or may not have bopped a security guard at RFK Stadium with an umbrella two weeks ago when she went to meet her father, Giants coach Bill Parcells, after a game against the Redskins. Her father said she did and she said she didn't.
"She denied that [the umbrella incident], but I think it's true," Parcells said. "She gets excited, and it's a lot of fun for her. She's got a little bit of a mouth on her."
A reporter said, "Like her father?" And Parcells said, "A little bit like her father, yeah."
Living like an angel?
Running back Darrell Thompson, the No. 1 draft pick of the Packers, is having trouble adjusting to life in Green Bay, where players are under a microscope when they go out in public.
"It's tough to be perfect all the time," he said. "People don't understand. You mean I can't have a beer just because I play football? They expect an angel. I guess they expect you to go home and watch film."
How to become a commissioner
On March 23, 1959, the general manager of the Rams traded eight players and a second-round draft pick to the Chicago Cardinals for Ollie Matson. The Rams GM, Pete Rozelle, became NFL commissioner 10 months later.
Last October, Mike Lynn, general manager of the Vikings, made the Herschel Walker deal with the Cowboys. Lynn recently became head of the new World League of American Football.