You've heard what his answering machine says. (He's not in because he's out with your wife.) You've heard his advice on what to say to a milkmaid. (It involves, suffice it to say, udders, jugs and whipped cream.) You've heard what he says to salesmen named Dick. (Is your last name . . .)
And now, Mr. Manly has agreed to his first-ever interview in print. We got him before Playboy, before Esquire, before all those other manly publications -- mainly because we asked and they didn't.
Mr. Manly, as morning listeners to 98 Rock (WIYY-FM) know, is a neo-Neanderthal who dispenses advice on the manly way of life -- at least as it can be distilled into 1 1/2 -to-2-minute radio bites. He's sort of like Miss Manners with testosterone.
Syndicated to more than 200 radio stations across the country, the 1 1/2 -year-old feature has become quite a hit both with those who take Mr. Manly literally and those who see it as parody, said Chris Emry, 98 Rock's morning deejay.
"We did a holiday food drive at the Golden Ring Mall once, and we kept getting these guys jumping out of Trans Ams or Z-28s, saying, 'I'm Mr. Manly,' " Mr. Emry recalled.
Skip this paragraph if you live and die by the myth of Mr. Manly: It will shatter you to learn that Mr. Manly is really Colom Keating, a 36-year-old actor/comedian who loves his one and only girlfriend and sincerely believes Paul McCartney and Alan Alda are great men.
But, hey, forget that wuss and read on to find out who thereal Mr. Manly is from this transcript of a recent telephone interview:
Q: What is your first name?
A: Mister. My name is Mister No Middle Name Manly.
Q: Are you married?
A: Are you kidding?
Q: How would you describe your ideal woman?
A: One that comes with her own six-pack. And doesn't need a dinner before.
Q: Before what?
A: Huh, well! Before the manly gratification that she so greatly desires.
Q: That SHE desires?
A: That she so greatly desires.
Q: Where does Mr. Manly go on his dates?
A: If it's a real expensive one, McDonald's. You can eat it quick and get right to the manly gratification that she so greatly desires.
Q: Who is Mr. Manly's dream babe?
A: Kirstie Alley. Mmmm, mmmm. She's the kind of woman, God said, "I think I'll make this one by hand."
Q: What would you do on your date with Kirstie?
Q: That would really impress her.
A: Then I would drink vast amounts of alcohol and see if I could wrap my truck around a telephone pole, just to let her know what a manly man I am.
Q: Has Mr. Manly ever been to Baltimore?
A: Once, in 1974. I went to a baseball game -- which [the Orioles] lost. I was in the manly U.S. Navy and stationed in Washington. But it was too cold there, so we had to wear coats, and we couldn't display our manly tattoos.
Q: What kind of tattoos?
A: Assorted nude women, including a naked woman on my bicep whose breasts bulge when I flex.
Q: How big are your, uh, biceps?
A: Hey, hey, hey! Come on down and judge for yourself.
Q: No, really.
L A: Arnold Schwarzenegger's thighs have nothing on my biceps.
Q: What else does Mr. Manly do for fun?
A: Of course, bowling. Mr. Manly did a thing on bowling, things to say to women who bowl.
Q: Like what?
A: "Hey, babe, the way you handle that ball . . ."
Q: What does your mother think of all this? And what would Mr. Manly do if someone came up to Mr. Manly's mother while she was bowling and said stuff like that?
A: Well, I think Mr. Manly would have to hit the guy so hard, his dentist would be knocked into the next higher tax bracket.
Q: What were you like as a boy?
A: I was born a man.
Q: What do you drink?
A: Mr. Manly drinks Lone Star Beer.
Q: Where do you live?
A: Mr. Manly lives in the manliest of states, Texas, in the manliest city of the manliest state, Austin. I live in my pick-up truck, naturally jacked up to a manly 8 feet off the ground.
Q: What's so manly about that?
A: Obviously, being a woman, this answer is over your head!
Q: Just how long is Mr. Manly's guide to life, the Manly Manual?
A: It's 7,382 pages -- that's the condensed version. The unabridged Manly Manual is in the Library of Congress, all 12 volumes.
Q: How long did it take you to write that?
A: Twelve days. It was all on a hard disc. By the way, real men don't have floppy discs.
Q: What do you do for a living?
A: Mr. Manly makes a living kind of like Ann Landers, by giving manly advice.
Q: Is there much of a market for that?
A: Huh, well! There are way too many flit boys out there, in desperate need of manly advice.
Q: Flit boys? How would you define a flit boy?
A: Well, obviously! A flit boy is a wimpish, non-weaned, breast-fed, lesbian-fearing or bulldog-fearing . . . uh, Republican.
Q: Does Mr. Manly have any brothers or sisters?
L A: I'm one of nine. I'm number six, the manliest of numbers.
A: If you change one letter, it spells . . .
The manliest of license plates
Greg Brevard is Mr. Manly.
If his vanity license plates can be believed, that is.