Baltimore, where the favorite thing to eat is an animal tha crawls sideways.
* Sign seen in southwest Baltimore: "Steamed Females, $8 Dozen. Tricks."
* I keep getting postcards from a guy named Ray. The first postcards came from Dallas and Hawaii. The most recent one came from Rock Hall, on the Eastern Shore, and it was posted with a Buffalo Bill Cody stamp. "Hi Dan," it said. "Took a ride on the 'Chessy' Flier to Rock Hall. Great Seafood. Ray." My question: Ray who? Ray Charles? Ray Dypski? Hey, light up my life!
Baltimore, where the streets are paved with glass!
* Overheard at breakfast in Union Mills, Carroll County. . . . John said: "When you turn the clock back this weekend, the sun will be shining earlier in the morning." Mary Eileen said: "How does the sun know we've turned the clocks back?"
* Maybe there's something good to be said for shutting down the government. Federal savings and loan regulators would be rendered idle -- and, this time, taxpayers wouldn't have to pay for it. The downside: No on left to save the snail darter.
* Bargain of the week: The combination salad-Chinese self-serve bar at St. Paul and 24th.
* Order of Baltimore mayors (1875-1894): Latrobe, Kane, Latrobe, Whyte, Latrobe, Hodges, Latrobe, Davidson, Latrobe.
* Order of Baltimore mayors (1919-1971): Broening, Jackson, Broening, Jackson, McKeldin, D'Alesandro, Grady, Goodman, McKeldin, D'Alesandro.
* Order of Baltimore mayors (1971-present): Schaefer, Schaefer, Schaefer, Schaefer, Burns, Schmoke.
* Predicted order of Baltimore mayors (1971-1995): Schaefer, Schaefer, Schaefer, Schaefer, Burns, Schmoke, Schmoke, Schaefer (or Snoops).
Baltimore, it's just like New York, only smaller!
* From Jon Winokur's new book, "Friendly Advice," quoting John Steinbeck: "No one wants advice, only corroboration." And quoting the Marquis de Legrange (who is probably very happy to still be quoted): "When we ask advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice."
* Baltimore, where the airport used to be called Friendship, but we changed the name because we didn't like the implication.
* Double Indemnity. . . A 35-year-old insurance agent from Upper Fells Point (that's anywhere north of the old Apex) was attacked twice within a week in the same block of South Ann Street. He and two female friends were robbed on a Saturday. The following Friday, he received a kick in the chest from a very large, very drunk kick-boxer and came close to being run over by a car. Crazy stuff, don't you think? But we have no reason to believe that this particular block of South Ann is any worse than any other block of South Ann -- that doesn't sound right, does it? -- but, for the record, the block where these attacks occurred was the 600 block. Most people probably think this was an unfortunate coincidence -- two attacks on the same guy in the same block within seven days. Personally, I think the 600 block of South Ann is a warp in the space-time continuum. I'm staying away.
* Conversation with a co-worker. . . . Dan said: "Hey, Mike, nice to see you working dayside." Mike said: "Yeah, right. What day is it?"
* You know you're in trouble if: You become overwhelmed with a grand sense of anticipation when the clerk hands you a claim slip for your dry-cleaning.
* Mary O. Styrt says she called the Johns Hopkins Medical Bookstore last Saturday, looking for a title. "One busy signal, two busy signals. Finally, a ring in -- to a recorded announcement which tells me the bookstore is open certain hours Monday to Friday, and is open from 9:30 to 1:15 Saturday. I want to know whether they have a certain book, so I will know whether to make the trip. The Johns Hopkins information person only has the number I have already called. I try several more times and get busy signals, and then the same recorded announcement."
Great, Mary. Just great!