What's the address of the asylum?
After several Philadelphia Eagles suggested that their play would improve if owner Norman Braman gave coach Buddy Ryan a new contract, Braman said: "They're not going to run the asylum. I'm going to run the asylum. I'm going to make the decisions concerning Buddy Ryan."
When Jack Trudeau threw a touchdown pass on the final play of the game to give the Indianapolis Colts an upset over the Eagles last Sunday, columnist Ray Didinger wrote: "For 1 minute, 51 seconds Sunday, the Colts magically turned back the NFL clock. Jack Trudeau became Johnny Unitas. Bill Brooks became Raymond Berry."
Did Bob Irsay become Carroll Rosenbloom?
Change that station
When commissioner Paul Tagliabue's clock radio went off in his Seattle hotel room Tuesday morning, the first words he heard were: "Victor Kiam."
Just call him coach
A year ago, Art Shell made headlines when he was hired by the Los Angeles Raiders as the NFL's first black head coach in modern times. Now that he's 11-5 over the past year and 4-0 this year, nobody is calling him a black coach. He's being called a good coach.
Shell refuses to call himself a successful coach yet, however.
"That's not success to me [a 4-0 start this year]," he said. "Success only means winning the Super Bowl."
More Zeke Mowatt bashing
This is supposed to be a true story. When Zeke Mowatt, one of the New England Patriots who is accused of sexually harassing sportswriter Lisa Olson, was at Florida State, he complained of a blockage in his inner ear. When he went to see a doctor, a roach was removed from his ear.
More Joe Walton bashing
Joe Walton, the beleaguered former New York Jets coach, has watched the Pittsburgh Steelers go 1-3 in his first year of running the team's offense, and he has yet to see it score a touchdown.
Walton's former assistants are having just as much trouble as he. They've spread out to five teams -- the San Diego Chargers, Phoenix Cardinals, Seattle Seahawks, Cleveland Browns and Philadelphia. They're all 1-3.
In good company
When Mike Rozier signed with the Atlanta Falcons last week, he tied for first place in an unusual category with the team -- paternity suits. He and three other members of the organization -- Rankin Smith Jr., son of the owner, wide receiver Shawn Collins and linebacker Aundray Bruce -- are involved in two. Tim Gordon is in second place with only one.
When San Diego plays Pittsburgh today, the game will match a Chargers team that hasn't scored in the second half of three of its four games and a Steelers team that hasn't scored an offensive touchdown.
A word of advice from defensive lineman Burt Grossman: "Bet the under."
Spiking the drinks
Phoenix has been outscored, 52-7, in the second half of its two home games, prompting linebacker Garth Jax to say: "It's like somebody doped our water at halftime. They must have sneaked in here and put some sedatives in our drinks."
James Campen, center for the Green Bay Packers, credits a picture of his wife, Charlene, for his good play in his first year as a starter: "It's one of those 50-cent deals. Sometimes, I put it in my shoe. Sometimes, I'll tape it on my wrist. But I'm going to have to get another picture. This one is getting pretty sad. I don't think it'll make the whole season."
Standing in awe
Bruce Coslet, the rookie coach of the Jets who has two National Football League victories as a head coach, on coaching against Don Shula of the Miami Dolphins, who has 288: "I can't believe I'm going to be across the sidelines from him."
Don't call me, I'll call you
Jerry Jones, the owner of the Dallas Cowboys who fired coach Tom Landry 19 months ago, has invited Landry to be inducted into the Texas Stadium Ring of Honor.
No reply from Landry yet.