College coaches: Read their lips, or between lines

JOHN EISENBERG

September 22, 1990|By JOHN EISENBERG

This may come as a shock to some of you, but college football coaches do not always tell the truth. It isn't that they maliciously lie so much as manage not to say what they mean.

If you're having trouble cutting through the jargon this season, here is a handy, keep-by-the-television guide to what a college coach actually says when he opens his mouth:

When he says, "We won't really know what happened until we see the films," he means, "We got hammered and I don't want to talk about it."

When he says, "We're scared to death about this game," he means, "I wish we could schedule 10 more games just like this one."

When he says, "We've had a lot of injuries," he means, "Don't blame me."

When he says, "Fims," he means, "Films."

When he says, "No matter how it looks, we weren't running up the score," he means, "You get ranked if you score a hundred."

When he says, "They just had better athletes," he means, "I couldn't get those dopes they've got past my admissions people."

When he says, "We're going to get this program turned around," he means, "Brother, could I use a slush fund."

When he says, "I believe in discipline," he means, "Barfing puts some sense into a young man."

When he says, "Kids from New Jersey just like it here," he means, "We've got these two alums in New Jersey who really know how to close a deal."

When he says, "I've never been prouder of a football team," he means, "Boy, did we blow this game."

When he says, "Our kids are really hitting the weight room," he means, "I ain't asking questions."

When he says, "I get great support from the administration," he means, "They let me bring in just about any dum-dum I want."

When he says, "There's no quit in this football team," he means, "It sure would be nice to have some good players."

When he says, "They took us out of what we wanted to do," he means, "His assistants are better than mine."

When he says, "The kid has improved his passing a lot," he means, "If the kid sees any kind of rush, he can't hit his foot with a pass, much less a receiver."

When he says, "It's my fault," he means, "I wasn't the one out there fumbling."

When he says, "Hey, officials are human, too," he means, "If I see that bug-eyed zebra wimp walking down the street, I'm gonna mash him up into birdseed."

When he says, "We take it one game at a time," he means, "They're going to fire my rear end if we lose the big game."

When he says, "We have the best fans in the world," he means, "I'd get a hundred calls a day from these nut balls if my phone number was listed."

When he says, "Maybe we need to try a little harder," he means, "We got too many kids who want to go to class."

When he says, "Johnny is just one heck of a competitor," he means, "Johnny is so mean he'd tear his mother's head off if she carried the ball on the next play."

When he says, "His head just wasn't in the game today," he means, "We warned him a dozen times about that girl."

When he says, "It's a great rivalry," he means, "We've been trying to put each other on probation for, oh, must be 25 years now."

When he says, "We simplified our offense," he means, "My quarterback sure can run, but he's dumber than a pile of wood."

When he says, "My staff deserves the credit," he means, "I hired every one of those suckers."

When he says, "We won by 48, but we're just not a very good football team right now," he means, "Everyone please understand that we aren't playing a Division II team next week."

When he says, "School-wise, I believe in academics," he means, "We could have a hell of a team if the kids didn't have to go to class."

When he says, "We have no stars; we have a team concept here," he means, "I know the quarterback bails my butt out every week, but he's getting too much pub."

When he says, "We're playing a lot of freshmen," he means, "Please give me three years."

When he says, "The doctor says he's hurt, so of course, he won't play," he means, "What a wimp."

When he says, "I'm just concerned about the young man's welfare," he means, "I have six transfers waiting for that scholarship."

When he says, "We don't worry about what the other team is doing," he means, "They're so much better than us, we might as well forfeit."

When he says, "We have a great group of kids," he means, "The campus cops overreacted."

When he says, "I've never been afraid of criticism," he means, "Anyone says a word and I'm throwing them through that plate-glass window."

When he says, "It's been a tough year," he means, "A hundred copies of my resume are already in the mail."

When he says, "I never read the newspapers," he means, "Those $%&*!"

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