Latest News from the Oysterback Bugeye

Helen Chappell

September 15, 1990|By Helen Chappell

OYSTERBACVK, MARYLAND — Oysterback, Maryland. !...EXPECTS TO BE released from jail in time to ride on the Oysterback Volunteer Fire Department Float in the Fireman's Parade in Ocean City. When asked if the conviction would affect her title as Miss Oysterback, Lisa's mother, Mrs. Carlotta Hackett, said she doubted it, since she had the only pink Cadillac convertible in town and she was not about to allow runner up Rikki Jane Insley to put that tacky peach prom gown on her upholstery ...

A mildew patch in the shape of Elvis Presley has miraculously appeared in the mud room of Miss Nettie Leery's home. Elvis fan Desiree Grinch has erected an altar before the spot, in which the King appears to be nearing the end of his career ... Visitors have congregated on Miss Nettie's lawn for several days in hopes of a glimpse of the Elvis apparition ...

Omar Hinton has added a full-service fax machine to his line of state-of-the-art communications at Hinton's Store. In a brief ceremony, postmistress Hagar Jump christened the machine by faxing an indignant letter to Congressman Orville Orvall about the potholes on Jesterville Road ...

... were all thrilled to see Junie Redmond and Huddie Swann preserving our God-given right to burn fossil fuels on last week's edition of ''America's Funniest Home Videos.'' ... No damage was done to Sheik Abdul Ben Hassien, the seafood plant or the Blue Crab Jimmy's Softball Trophy, although Desiree Grinch has announced that the Sheik and Huddie are banned from the Blue Crab for a week. ...

... Johnny Ray Insley's campaign for 3rd District was derailed last night in a mudslinging debate at the Community Center between Deputy Insley and the League of Women Voters, who denounced Insley as a ''bozo.''...

Boot Willis reports that he has brought up a crab the size of a size-13 Redball boot. Those who wish to view the giant crab may do so by stopping by the Blue Crab Tavern, Where Desiree is planning to make the world's largest crabcake. ...

... Oysterback Senior Center is sponsoring a bus trip to Washington next Thursday. In the morning, the group will view ''Treasures of the Gods'' at the Smithsonian. In the afternoon, they will see a performance of ''Much Ado About Nothing'' at the Folger, and that evening, they will attend a Whitesnake concert at RFK. Tickets may be purchased at Omar Hinton's store. ...

... was honored with a Tupperware Bridal Shower by her fellow employees and clients at Doreen's Cut'n'Curl Salon de Beaute. Fern received many fine storage containers and a colander ...

Mr. and Mrs. Elmo Skinner are in town visiting their cousins Capt. and Mrs. Lennie Skinner. Mrs. Elmo Skinner is the 1983 winner of the Slim Jims Bake-Off Contest with her recipe for Slim Jim Lasagna ...

Helga Wallop, editor of this paper, will offer a crash craft course at the Community Center for anyone interested in making a caddy for their TV Guide. Bring a roll of scotch tape, a package of onion rings and a crescent wrench. ...

... householders are warned that bluefish season is here. Check your doorsteps in the morning for surprise offerings from fisherman friends ...

... The Oysterback Mosquito Festival will be held Saturday ...

... held their annual Poker Tournament and Fisherman's Liar Contest at the Fire Hall. Special guests include the police ...

The Blue Crab Tavern Jimmy's pitched a shutout game against the Wingo, Virginia, Lounge Lizards, ending the season in second place. ... Lizards shortstop Marty ''The Snake'' Wingate challenged Jimmy's batter Paisley Redmond to an arm-wrestling match to settle the dispute about the tar ball. ...

The first annual meeting of the Oysterback Gunning Widows Club will be held on Saturday at the new Mall. Bring your credit cards! ...

... decision handed down by District Court Judge William S. Horne awarded the Winnebago, the antique beer-can collection and the autographed 8x10 glossy of Rutger Hauer to Winona. Junior received the microwave, the subscription to Soldier of Fortune and visitation rights to the metal detector. ... The couple agreed to share the season tickets to the Metropolitan Opera Series, as well as custody of the sea monkeys. ...

E9 Oysterback lies east of Camelot and west of Dogpatch.

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